talked with her after a long time..Said she is sick.. I dont know what... just hoping she is telling all these to repel me. If not i hope its not serious. Im gonna make myself available for her to get her through this
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Life as a motorcyclist
I was never a racer. I don't do bike stunts, even though i know to perform most of the stunts. I've never been into proper race. For last 3 years, i was a decent motorcyclist, as in i don't rev up my engine at all. The max speed I hit was 60, there was nothing rash, the gear ratio's were in tune. The RPM never crossed 5000, my ride got used to the gentleness. That gentleness was stemmed from my desire to live longer, for things i craved for. I thought i had a future with someone at someplace, I removed myself from living in the edge. But not anymore. I'm back to where i was, and things are as crazy an adrenaline pumped as it was.
I was never into machines when i was a kid. I was never that kid who goes through car magazines, or idolize racers. In fact i never wanted to have a vehicle for myself. Everything changed when my dad offered me a motorcycle. He got me one, not the best of lot, my beast was an "averager" on all fronts. I did not know how to drive one, so everything started with my ride, (i call me motorcycle by the name 'ride' which is self explanatory, so from here on, i would refer it as 'ride' only). I mastered in it, and as usual the addiction to speed came in to me normally. Its a trait in me, I always embrace the danger of anything in my life, maybe that explains why Im borderline rude to everything, everyone in my life. They doesn't know how much i care for them, or how worried and bothered I'm for them, in fact i keep on thinking and evaluating them/it every time in my mind. At the surface, it looks like i treat them bad, but on the long run, it becomes obvious how much i care for them. Coming back to the post, I started to embrace 100+ speeds quite often. I did not even had a license to drive a motorcycle, and to top it off, my friend who is my partner in everything, was not afraid to die just like I'm, perfect combination!
I started my adventures on highways. There was this 19 km journey from my home to my college, through the busy streets of my city as well as through highway. Everyday it was a race against time. I've never participated in any organized race, but i was always in search of race, whenever i was on road. Overtaking me was an open invite to race me, and only a few have overtaken me in my life. I consistently decimated guys who tried to show off on their motorcycle with their girlfriends, maybe it was my way of getting back at lady love for not giving me a chance, but i was particular that no lady or girl had a chance to sat behind me. I reserved that spot to a special one, which is yet to happen. My mom was and still is terrified to sit in any vehicle that's driven by me and scares away anyone who tries to sit with me on my ride, so keeping that pillion seat away from ladies is easier for me :).
I've never washed my ride. Only thing i do is to get it serviced at the right time. The only times my ride sees water is when it rains. But my ride has survived without a scratch or engine problem till now. We've been to many journeys, ranging from 100kms to 500kms. Never it have let down at any point of time. Have hit the speeds of 120+, actually i have this unique record of riding my motorcycle at 100+ with every single guys in my class. I took it as a mission,some where scared shitless :P, but most enjoyed the experience like roller coaster ride :P. At times people use me as a transporter to get them at places in minimum amount of time. My reputation of not being in any serious accidents makes me reliable for them. And i always loved being that guy, who is really good with machines. It got to that point that, people who knows me, doesn't dare to race with me.
Then things happened, i got into a serious relationship, and i declined everything that kept me on the edge. Maybe it was me maturing, i don't know, but there was not the passion to drive anymore. I became this mellow driver, who is very soft on my ride, and never crosses a certain speed limit. Still i was one among the faster drivers on road. A few manages to overtake me in those. I ditched all those revving ups, and sudden breaking, all the twist and turns, and weaving through traffic. Even my ride got used to it.
Things changed, I'm not a priority in anyone's life anymore, which again gave me the freedom to seduce with danger and death once again. And i celebrated it with my ride. I took her to everyplace i used to do overkill. Even my ride was a bit hesitant at the start, since it was not used to all those revving up for past 3-4 years, but it slowly caught up and became the monster it was before. I could almost sense like its asking me where I was all these years. Once again its potential was unleashed, and we embraced 100+ speed once more. My ride is now 7 years old, still it beats most of the other motorcycles on road. Corners separate men from boys, I've never lost grip on corners, my rides foot pegs are almost worn due to the contact with road on corners, still I've never lost grip even once. I've got this trust with my ride that, it will end only with me. Grateful to have my ride in my life!
I was never into machines when i was a kid. I was never that kid who goes through car magazines, or idolize racers. In fact i never wanted to have a vehicle for myself. Everything changed when my dad offered me a motorcycle. He got me one, not the best of lot, my beast was an "averager" on all fronts. I did not know how to drive one, so everything started with my ride, (i call me motorcycle by the name 'ride' which is self explanatory, so from here on, i would refer it as 'ride' only). I mastered in it, and as usual the addiction to speed came in to me normally. Its a trait in me, I always embrace the danger of anything in my life, maybe that explains why Im borderline rude to everything, everyone in my life. They doesn't know how much i care for them, or how worried and bothered I'm for them, in fact i keep on thinking and evaluating them/it every time in my mind. At the surface, it looks like i treat them bad, but on the long run, it becomes obvious how much i care for them. Coming back to the post, I started to embrace 100+ speeds quite often. I did not even had a license to drive a motorcycle, and to top it off, my friend who is my partner in everything, was not afraid to die just like I'm, perfect combination!
I started my adventures on highways. There was this 19 km journey from my home to my college, through the busy streets of my city as well as through highway. Everyday it was a race against time. I've never participated in any organized race, but i was always in search of race, whenever i was on road. Overtaking me was an open invite to race me, and only a few have overtaken me in my life. I consistently decimated guys who tried to show off on their motorcycle with their girlfriends, maybe it was my way of getting back at lady love for not giving me a chance, but i was particular that no lady or girl had a chance to sat behind me. I reserved that spot to a special one, which is yet to happen. My mom was and still is terrified to sit in any vehicle that's driven by me and scares away anyone who tries to sit with me on my ride, so keeping that pillion seat away from ladies is easier for me :).
I've never washed my ride. Only thing i do is to get it serviced at the right time. The only times my ride sees water is when it rains. But my ride has survived without a scratch or engine problem till now. We've been to many journeys, ranging from 100kms to 500kms. Never it have let down at any point of time. Have hit the speeds of 120+, actually i have this unique record of riding my motorcycle at 100+ with every single guys in my class. I took it as a mission,some where scared shitless :P, but most enjoyed the experience like roller coaster ride :P. At times people use me as a transporter to get them at places in minimum amount of time. My reputation of not being in any serious accidents makes me reliable for them. And i always loved being that guy, who is really good with machines. It got to that point that, people who knows me, doesn't dare to race with me.
Then things happened, i got into a serious relationship, and i declined everything that kept me on the edge. Maybe it was me maturing, i don't know, but there was not the passion to drive anymore. I became this mellow driver, who is very soft on my ride, and never crosses a certain speed limit. Still i was one among the faster drivers on road. A few manages to overtake me in those. I ditched all those revving ups, and sudden breaking, all the twist and turns, and weaving through traffic. Even my ride got used to it.
Things changed, I'm not a priority in anyone's life anymore, which again gave me the freedom to seduce with danger and death once again. And i celebrated it with my ride. I took her to everyplace i used to do overkill. Even my ride was a bit hesitant at the start, since it was not used to all those revving up for past 3-4 years, but it slowly caught up and became the monster it was before. I could almost sense like its asking me where I was all these years. Once again its potential was unleashed, and we embraced 100+ speed once more. My ride is now 7 years old, still it beats most of the other motorcycles on road. Corners separate men from boys, I've never lost grip on corners, my rides foot pegs are almost worn due to the contact with road on corners, still I've never lost grip even once. I've got this trust with my ride that, it will end only with me. Grateful to have my ride in my life!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
quotes 10-05-2013
"Creativity is the greatest rebellion against existence"
-Osho
-Osho
"Forgiveness is the best form of love"
-Reinhold Niebuhr
"Lovers dont finally meet at somewhere. They are in each other all along"
-Rumi
"Suicide is the dumber possible way of getting revenge. Why is that? Because the people you want to strike back at are the very same folks who wont even remember you a week after you are gone, while the people you want to spare most-- the people who loves you, are the ones who will have to live with the pain of your suicide for the rest of their lives."
- David J Lieberman
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray"
-Rumi
"Suicide is the dumber possible way of getting revenge. Why is that? Because the people you want to strike back at are the very same folks who wont even remember you a week after you are gone, while the people you want to spare most-- the people who loves you, are the ones who will have to live with the pain of your suicide for the rest of their lives."
- David J Lieberman
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray"
-Rumi
Friday, May 10, 2013
A letter to the past, present and future !
I tried to mend things with you. I know i screwed it up big time, but i tried to fix things the best way i could. I know I did leave you in the open, all by yourself, and abandoned you, but i came back, i tried to fix things, not by saying a plain sorry, but by working things out and fix everything that was broken. I was willing to change every aspect of me, the way you want, I still am, but you just pushed me away. I wanted to be back in your life, more than i wanted you to be in my life.
And now, i understand you dont want me in your life, I think i have to make peace with that, one way or another. After all, i always wanted you to be happy, that is why i left the first time, thinking i was wasting your love. Now it seems you too are convinced, maybe that is why you are pushing me away, despite all my efforts. I hope you are and will be happier without me, than when you were with me. I just hope you end up in the heights i thought you will reach, even though i may not be there with you to see where you have reached.
Maybe Im destined to live my life this way, One thing i can assure you is that, Im not letting you go because it gives me any sort of pleasure. But Im used to being miserable, Im shivering, i've hit my all time low, i dont even have the mind to speak, let alone to be wake. But i cant close my eyes, whenever i do, you comes to my mind, i cant afford to be in a dream, the idea of losing you itself is painful enough for me.
Finally, i hope everything works out for the best. I might live on in the hope of you coming back to me every single day, but I will never come to you, or disturb you. And no matter what you hear about me, good or bad, dont ever feel guilty of what happened to me or what i choose to be. You are and will not be accounted to any of the decision i made or will make. You will always remain as the best and sweetest thing that ever happened to me. Like i always say, some people does not deserve to be happy, and tragedies happens to them no matter what. This is the third time Im saying goodbye to you, and the dagger is driven more deeper each time. Im willing to do that any number times, Im willing to be vulnerable for you a hundred more time, Im willing to get stabbed over and over by you, but i want only you to stab me, not anyone else !!
Faithfully
Me
And now, i understand you dont want me in your life, I think i have to make peace with that, one way or another. After all, i always wanted you to be happy, that is why i left the first time, thinking i was wasting your love. Now it seems you too are convinced, maybe that is why you are pushing me away, despite all my efforts. I hope you are and will be happier without me, than when you were with me. I just hope you end up in the heights i thought you will reach, even though i may not be there with you to see where you have reached.
Maybe Im destined to live my life this way, One thing i can assure you is that, Im not letting you go because it gives me any sort of pleasure. But Im used to being miserable, Im shivering, i've hit my all time low, i dont even have the mind to speak, let alone to be wake. But i cant close my eyes, whenever i do, you comes to my mind, i cant afford to be in a dream, the idea of losing you itself is painful enough for me.
Finally, i hope everything works out for the best. I might live on in the hope of you coming back to me every single day, but I will never come to you, or disturb you. And no matter what you hear about me, good or bad, dont ever feel guilty of what happened to me or what i choose to be. You are and will not be accounted to any of the decision i made or will make. You will always remain as the best and sweetest thing that ever happened to me. Like i always say, some people does not deserve to be happy, and tragedies happens to them no matter what. This is the third time Im saying goodbye to you, and the dagger is driven more deeper each time. Im willing to do that any number times, Im willing to be vulnerable for you a hundred more time, Im willing to get stabbed over and over by you, but i want only you to stab me, not anyone else !!
Faithfully
Me
quotes 9-5-2013
"Dont fear failure. In great attempts, it is glorious even to fail"
-Bruce Lee
"Being honest does not get you a lot of friends. But it will get you the right ones"
-John lennon
"Some times two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together"
-Unknown
-Bruce Lee
"Being honest does not get you a lot of friends. But it will get you the right ones"
-John lennon
"Some times two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together"
-Unknown
Thursday, May 9, 2013
quotes 8-5-13
"I love because my love is not dependent on the object of love. My love is dependent on the state of being. So whether the other person changes, becomes different, because my love was never dependent on other person. My love is a state of being."
-Osho
"Your perception of me is a reflection of you"
-Unknown
"When you feel let down by someone you love, when you are angry at someone you really care, understand its the expectation that is making you uncomfortable. Let it go, if you want to let them back in your life. If they dont come back, its either they who does'nt worth you, or you dont deserve them"
-Myself
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Quotes 7-5-2013
"We may look different, but our hearts beat the same. Lets be more loving to others"
-Unknown
“You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“My daddy said, that the first time you fall in love, it changes you forever and no matter how hard you try, that feeling just never goes away.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That's what it was like for me. I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if oyu planned on fallin gin love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
"If you dont control your mind, someone else will"
-John Allston
"Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all"
-Helen Keller
"Do what is right, Not what is easy"
-Unknown
"I learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is upto them"
-Unknown
-Unknown
“You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“My daddy said, that the first time you fall in love, it changes you forever and no matter how hard you try, that feeling just never goes away.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That's what it was like for me. I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if oyu planned on fallin gin love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
"If you dont control your mind, someone else will"
-John Allston
"Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all"
-Helen Keller
"Do what is right, Not what is easy"
-Unknown
"I learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is upto them"
-Unknown
Monday, May 6, 2013
Life story of a man, Who is failing.
These are an account of experience that Ive encountered in my life. This is not an autobiography. There are a lot of things that happened, which is not mentioned in this account, this account solely is based on why Im where now, emotionally! I dont know how long i will be myself. I dont know what decisions i will make in future. I dont even know what all twists or turns life is holding for me. Im just documenting my thoughts, so that, one day, if someone wants to know what went through my mind, and why i took the decisions ive made before, or later in my life, they will understand why.
Chapter 1
The Very Moment Of Pain
Chapter 2
The Formative Years
Chapter 3
The Best Time Of My life.
Chapter 4
And Life Fills Me With Content
Chapter 5
And Life Changes
Chapter 6
Living Through The Void
Chapter 7
Life is Unpredictable
Chapter 8
Stabbing The Heart With Knife
Chapter 9
Struggling to Reality
Chapter 10
Present Day
Life story of a man who is failing part 10
Chapter 10
Present Day
Whatever happens life has to go on! right? Im not living a routine. Its like im stuck in a day, that i live the same day over and over and its boring. I was a traveler, not anymore. I was an adventurer, a guitarist, a fighter, but not anymore. Good things happen, bad things happen, sometimes, i wish there was a reset button on our lives, or atleast a shut down button.
Lucky are the ones who gets to spend their life time with their first love. Im starting to believe in fate. Maybe its fate that puts me and her together, when everything looked grim and impossible. Maybe its fate that made me break up with her, to make me realize, i could never be real happy without her and maybe that made me realize i could never love anyone or anything more than i could love her. Maybe its fate thats mend her with a freak, so that she still is unmarried until now. If it was meant to be, she would have been married of, atleast 10 months before, but here we are. After all, i realized one does'nt need to be happy to live. One thing im certain is that, if Im not worthy to be in a relationship with the person i love the most, if I dont care enough for the person that i value the most, I will never be worthy for anyone else. Thats the positive i take out from the whole experience, eventhough it seems to be a negative. The self realization, the knowledge of who you are. The knowledge, of your limits. Thats worth a lot !!
Present Day
Whatever happens life has to go on! right? Im not living a routine. Its like im stuck in a day, that i live the same day over and over and its boring. I was a traveler, not anymore. I was an adventurer, a guitarist, a fighter, but not anymore. Good things happen, bad things happen, sometimes, i wish there was a reset button on our lives, or atleast a shut down button.
Lucky are the ones who gets to spend their life time with their first love. Im starting to believe in fate. Maybe its fate that puts me and her together, when everything looked grim and impossible. Maybe its fate that made me break up with her, to make me realize, i could never be real happy without her and maybe that made me realize i could never love anyone or anything more than i could love her. Maybe its fate thats mend her with a freak, so that she still is unmarried until now. If it was meant to be, she would have been married of, atleast 10 months before, but here we are. After all, i realized one does'nt need to be happy to live. One thing im certain is that, if Im not worthy to be in a relationship with the person i love the most, if I dont care enough for the person that i value the most, I will never be worthy for anyone else. Thats the positive i take out from the whole experience, eventhough it seems to be a negative. The self realization, the knowledge of who you are. The knowledge, of your limits. Thats worth a lot !!
weekly dose of philosophy, may 1st
"Who ever is not against us is for us."
Thats something jesus has told, when his disciples told him about a man who is doing miracles in the name of jesus. That is a strong phrase, a phrase that most of us forgets. We are all trying hard to prove ourself right. We are all trying our best to convince others that our belief system is the best than others. What is the point in that? Ive read a short story recently "LOLA" which is about a strong willed girl in the western society. She despises suicide when marlin monroe commits suicide, yet she is afraid of doing the same when she has hardship in her life. In a way we all are like that. When we don't face any problems, we are really strong with our convictions, but when stretched, we succumb and becomes irrational with our faith. After all we still in a religious faith, where we value the ten commandments than the two given to us by jesus, which only mentions love and love alone, without any boundaries, or do's and do not's!!
* * * *
Im an avid bike rider. And a very few are better at riding a motor cycle than me, and i take pride in that. Im a fan of manual shift geared vehicles. When i started driving, i used tachometer, and used RPM to shift gears, as its more visual and accurate. Time moved on, and i started using the power delivery i get, while opening the throttle, to judge the gear shifts. Even later, i sensed the need of gear change from the engine sounds, and now its almost voluntary, that i knows when to shift gears, without even noticing any signals. Even better is that, before, i needed to put my ride in the correct gear inorder to prevent the engine from stalling, now i could escape from stalling, by the usage of clutch and proper throttle control. There is a lot of parallels to life from this experience. We need to get to that level with everything, where things flow to us involuntary, whether it is faith, God, Love, Relationship etc no matter what it is. Sadly most of us are still stuck in the phase where we look for signs and signals to act. We look out for the obvious, but that does'nt mean the obvious is the only choice. Obvious is the easier choice, but that just leaves you an amateur, everytime you pick the obvious.
Thats something jesus has told, when his disciples told him about a man who is doing miracles in the name of jesus. That is a strong phrase, a phrase that most of us forgets. We are all trying hard to prove ourself right. We are all trying our best to convince others that our belief system is the best than others. What is the point in that? Ive read a short story recently "LOLA" which is about a strong willed girl in the western society. She despises suicide when marlin monroe commits suicide, yet she is afraid of doing the same when she has hardship in her life. In a way we all are like that. When we don't face any problems, we are really strong with our convictions, but when stretched, we succumb and becomes irrational with our faith. After all we still in a religious faith, where we value the ten commandments than the two given to us by jesus, which only mentions love and love alone, without any boundaries, or do's and do not's!!
* * * *
Im an avid bike rider. And a very few are better at riding a motor cycle than me, and i take pride in that. Im a fan of manual shift geared vehicles. When i started driving, i used tachometer, and used RPM to shift gears, as its more visual and accurate. Time moved on, and i started using the power delivery i get, while opening the throttle, to judge the gear shifts. Even later, i sensed the need of gear change from the engine sounds, and now its almost voluntary, that i knows when to shift gears, without even noticing any signals. Even better is that, before, i needed to put my ride in the correct gear inorder to prevent the engine from stalling, now i could escape from stalling, by the usage of clutch and proper throttle control. There is a lot of parallels to life from this experience. We need to get to that level with everything, where things flow to us involuntary, whether it is faith, God, Love, Relationship etc no matter what it is. Sadly most of us are still stuck in the phase where we look for signs and signals to act. We look out for the obvious, but that does'nt mean the obvious is the only choice. Obvious is the easier choice, but that just leaves you an amateur, everytime you pick the obvious.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
quotes 3-5-2013
"Everyone says love hurts, but thats not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again."
"A wise man makes his own decisions. An ignorant man follows public opinion."
-Chinese proverb
"Water is the softest thing, yet it can penetrate through mountains and earth. This clearly shows the principle of softness overcoming hardness. "
-Lao tzu
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. Its not."
-The Lorax
"The most confused we ever get is when we try to convince our head of something our heart knows is a lie"
-Karen Moning
"A wise man makes his own decisions. An ignorant man follows public opinion."
-Chinese proverb
"Water is the softest thing, yet it can penetrate through mountains and earth. This clearly shows the principle of softness overcoming hardness. "
-Lao tzu
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. Its not."
-The Lorax
"The most confused we ever get is when we try to convince our head of something our heart knows is a lie"
-Karen Moning
Friday, May 3, 2013
quotes 2-5-2013
"And once the storm is over, you wont remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You wont even be sure infact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out pf the storm, you wont be the same person who walked in."
"Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse. Suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better."
"Religion is belief in someone else's experience. Spirituality is having your own experience."
- Deepak Chopra
"Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse. Suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better."
"Religion is belief in someone else's experience. Spirituality is having your own experience."
- Deepak Chopra
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
quotes 29-4-13
"He is not perfect. You aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect.
But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can.
He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.
Don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect more than he can give.
Don't analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he's not there.
Love hard when there is love to be had.
Because perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy that is perfect for you "
-Bob Marley
"He or she who is happy will love for no reason, even where love is least expected. For it is at the top of the mountain that we see clearly over the horizon"
-Zdravka Stefanovic
" People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they are not on your road doesn't mean they are lost"
-Dalai Lama
We can only be what we give ourselves the power to be!!
But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can.
He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.
Don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect more than he can give.
Don't analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he's not there.
Love hard when there is love to be had.
Because perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy that is perfect for you "
-Bob Marley
"He or she who is happy will love for no reason, even where love is least expected. For it is at the top of the mountain that we see clearly over the horizon"
-Zdravka Stefanovic
" People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they are not on your road doesn't mean they are lost"
-Dalai Lama
We can only be what we give ourselves the power to be!!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Life story of a man who is failing part 7
Chapter 7
Life is Unpredictable
I dont know or remember how exactly this started, but one day she came online on my messenger and started talking to me. I was awestruck than anything else, as i did not expect this to happen even in my wildest dreams. I was scared as i did not want to mess it up at all. She started talking about trivial things. I dont know how but she knew i started taking guitar lessons. Our conversations were limited to surface. I was just the reply guy for the time being as I was just enjoying the company, just respecting the time she was spending with me, for me, talking to me. Everything started to feel in place, every song started to sound interesting, life was once again colorful.
The feeling is inexpressible. Everything was in slow motion. She was talking to me about everything she has to. She talked about her family, how she was the pet of her family, how she hates to be the only child, how much her grand parents cared her, how she was used as a counselor aka punch bag during her school days. About how much her friends meant to her, about how deep her friendships were, about how deep her religious faiths are, about how much she likes to spend her time with the less fortunate, everything i knew i began to adore her more, if that was possible. It seemed the attention she got from her grand parents, her friends were into great detail, that i envied her. She was spoiled in a good sense, she had this innate urge to please everybody around her, even if it caused her sorrow. She was so committed and dedicated to people around her that she would do anything to make them happy, a thing i disliked. She could never comprehend that life is hers to build, yet she left everything beyond her immediate control to the supreme power. We started to fight on that matter like 5 year olds, normally these kind of ignorance insults me, but no matter how deep we fight, it never made any change on my love and respect for her. That was a first thing to me, i was so used in giving up things, to prove a point, if someone meddles with me, i just ignore them, and certainly my affection for them lessened in my mind, I knew it was a bad trait in me, but i could not help that. But with her, i never lost a bit of respect to her, despite her being on a totally different level of belief system to me, maybe its the opposite that attracts.
I was silently admiring her innocence and character, not because i was not expressive but i was afraid to show that side of me to her. From what I have understood of her, she was really mature, not the bubbly type, she already had a long chain of family, friends, cousins and other support system laid firmly on her, i was afraid to be myself around her, as my over protectiveness could make her feel im immature! Till then, the only person i really love unconditionally was my mom. Despite all her faults, all her drawbacks, i love my mom, and i used to hug her and kiss her on her cheeks, all the time, although i never get any hugs or kisses in return. Maybe its her illness that makes her insecure, but that never stopped me and she always used to complain that the girl that would end up with me will suffer due to my physical nature as I value the sense of touch a lot. I had that in my mind so i kinda kept a distance from her, only not to drive her away with my antics. We started chatting on daily basis, that too for hours, our conversation became an integral part of my life, and i guess it was the same for her too.
In the mean time, my grandfather got sick. He was the least favorite person to me as he was very mechanical. He was a disciplinarian, to him the only entertainment was news. He was always working, being a farmer/planter, he was always looking after his crops. The only time he is at home is to eat food or sleep. He never spoke to me more than one or two sentences, each time we met, frankly there were no topics to talk with him. He was very rude and was a robot, who never showed any feelings or emotions. But my grandmother was totally opposite to him, who died earlier. We all adored her, she was a total sweet heart. Although she belonged to the 1920's generation, she was very knowledgeable, happy and very much into music. I could never understand how she accepted a numb man like him as her husband, maybe society were that male dominant during their time. Despite all these she was very dedicated to him. All world were afraid of my grandfather. No one never messed with him. He was not the biggest person you will see, but he was strong hearted. The sense of security you feel when you are around him is great even when he was 84 years old. He feared nothing, if he had a reason to do something, he will neglect any danger that is involved. And i respected that. Anyways my grandfather got sick and died after exactly 30 days. And me being jobless, i was always with him taking care of him. He had a stroke, so he was not able to talk, even his sons and daughters were not that sad of him being in that state, which explains what kind of a rough character he was. Anyways he died, and i was there from the start to finish for his funeral. We always saw him writing something in his diary everyday when he was alive. So first thing we did after his death was to search for that diary. And that diary totally changed our perspective of him. He has written down everything that has happened to him . From his engagement date to my grandmother to the birth of every single one of his grandchild, he was very passionate in his heart but he never knew how to express. He had this sense of humor, but he never joked around. We all realized how much he cared for us, but never understood him or cared for him. He was always a stranger to us, something i could relate to, and I realized Im him who is walking 70 years late than him. And maybe Im following the same footsteps as he did !!
Then we had a set of exams, she was very concentrated on it, and i had this huge urge to tell her what i feel. It was killing me, being friend zoned by her, thats the worst a guy in love could bear. Ive seen people who falls in love, and later break up and still be friends, I could never change my view on a person like that. Anyways i did not had any option as i did not wanted to disturb her during exams. I decided to tell her about my feelings after the exams. Even after the exams, i did not get a chance to tell her. She used to tease me about her possible future marriage, she knew that irritates me, I always tell her never to invite me to her marriage for obvious reasons, she used to tell i would be her 'made of honor' as in the hollywood movie. She always told me, her life is like the last poem in '10 things I hate about you' hollywood movie, i was too dumb to understand what she meant. She was dropping hints, like talking about her feline instincts, maybe i was too cautious not to hurt her, but i never understood what she intended. She drew this great picture of a kid who has his grandfathers hand on his head, which was obviously related to me, yet i did not understand. One thing lead to another, and she confessed she has feelings for me. I dont remember the exact date or day or time or even the month this occurred as i was totally swept away from my senses. It just occurred like an organic process, but she took the initiative and pain to make the move, it was bold. I always wanted to tell her, maybe its fortune or God, i dont know, but i was in the exact place i wanted to be. The feeling was splendid.
To be in love is great. To be in love with someone who you wanted really bad is even better. To be loved back by someone who you wanted really bad is the crowning glory of love. I was living through that moment. Everything were like in a beautiful movie. Like a poem, you just fall deep and deep into love. There were occasional fights, but that never lessened even the tiniest bit of love I had for her. Still i was not able to express myself completely true to her. I was like pirate with the treasure, all i wanted is to guard the treasure at any cost. I remember, she won a flower arrangement contest, which consequently deepened and strengthened our relationship, our relationship was becoming more and more real to me. Days went by, months passed, we talked about a lot of things around us, we talked about everything, we fought about every small differences we had, yet it was wonderful. And never i felt she was wrong, she was that sweet an innocent, I could never afford to lose her.
When you love someone more than you love yourself, everything you see, slowly changes to their perspective. When you love someone more than yourself, you start to worry for them, more than you worry for yourself. I was losing my mind to hers, i started to look at me, through her eyes and that took a huge toll in my life...
Life is Unpredictable
I dont know or remember how exactly this started, but one day she came online on my messenger and started talking to me. I was awestruck than anything else, as i did not expect this to happen even in my wildest dreams. I was scared as i did not want to mess it up at all. She started talking about trivial things. I dont know how but she knew i started taking guitar lessons. Our conversations were limited to surface. I was just the reply guy for the time being as I was just enjoying the company, just respecting the time she was spending with me, for me, talking to me. Everything started to feel in place, every song started to sound interesting, life was once again colorful.
The feeling is inexpressible. Everything was in slow motion. She was talking to me about everything she has to. She talked about her family, how she was the pet of her family, how she hates to be the only child, how much her grand parents cared her, how she was used as a counselor aka punch bag during her school days. About how much her friends meant to her, about how deep her friendships were, about how deep her religious faiths are, about how much she likes to spend her time with the less fortunate, everything i knew i began to adore her more, if that was possible. It seemed the attention she got from her grand parents, her friends were into great detail, that i envied her. She was spoiled in a good sense, she had this innate urge to please everybody around her, even if it caused her sorrow. She was so committed and dedicated to people around her that she would do anything to make them happy, a thing i disliked. She could never comprehend that life is hers to build, yet she left everything beyond her immediate control to the supreme power. We started to fight on that matter like 5 year olds, normally these kind of ignorance insults me, but no matter how deep we fight, it never made any change on my love and respect for her. That was a first thing to me, i was so used in giving up things, to prove a point, if someone meddles with me, i just ignore them, and certainly my affection for them lessened in my mind, I knew it was a bad trait in me, but i could not help that. But with her, i never lost a bit of respect to her, despite her being on a totally different level of belief system to me, maybe its the opposite that attracts.
I was silently admiring her innocence and character, not because i was not expressive but i was afraid to show that side of me to her. From what I have understood of her, she was really mature, not the bubbly type, she already had a long chain of family, friends, cousins and other support system laid firmly on her, i was afraid to be myself around her, as my over protectiveness could make her feel im immature! Till then, the only person i really love unconditionally was my mom. Despite all her faults, all her drawbacks, i love my mom, and i used to hug her and kiss her on her cheeks, all the time, although i never get any hugs or kisses in return. Maybe its her illness that makes her insecure, but that never stopped me and she always used to complain that the girl that would end up with me will suffer due to my physical nature as I value the sense of touch a lot. I had that in my mind so i kinda kept a distance from her, only not to drive her away with my antics. We started chatting on daily basis, that too for hours, our conversation became an integral part of my life, and i guess it was the same for her too.
In the mean time, my grandfather got sick. He was the least favorite person to me as he was very mechanical. He was a disciplinarian, to him the only entertainment was news. He was always working, being a farmer/planter, he was always looking after his crops. The only time he is at home is to eat food or sleep. He never spoke to me more than one or two sentences, each time we met, frankly there were no topics to talk with him. He was very rude and was a robot, who never showed any feelings or emotions. But my grandmother was totally opposite to him, who died earlier. We all adored her, she was a total sweet heart. Although she belonged to the 1920's generation, she was very knowledgeable, happy and very much into music. I could never understand how she accepted a numb man like him as her husband, maybe society were that male dominant during their time. Despite all these she was very dedicated to him. All world were afraid of my grandfather. No one never messed with him. He was not the biggest person you will see, but he was strong hearted. The sense of security you feel when you are around him is great even when he was 84 years old. He feared nothing, if he had a reason to do something, he will neglect any danger that is involved. And i respected that. Anyways my grandfather got sick and died after exactly 30 days. And me being jobless, i was always with him taking care of him. He had a stroke, so he was not able to talk, even his sons and daughters were not that sad of him being in that state, which explains what kind of a rough character he was. Anyways he died, and i was there from the start to finish for his funeral. We always saw him writing something in his diary everyday when he was alive. So first thing we did after his death was to search for that diary. And that diary totally changed our perspective of him. He has written down everything that has happened to him . From his engagement date to my grandmother to the birth of every single one of his grandchild, he was very passionate in his heart but he never knew how to express. He had this sense of humor, but he never joked around. We all realized how much he cared for us, but never understood him or cared for him. He was always a stranger to us, something i could relate to, and I realized Im him who is walking 70 years late than him. And maybe Im following the same footsteps as he did !!
Then we had a set of exams, she was very concentrated on it, and i had this huge urge to tell her what i feel. It was killing me, being friend zoned by her, thats the worst a guy in love could bear. Ive seen people who falls in love, and later break up and still be friends, I could never change my view on a person like that. Anyways i did not had any option as i did not wanted to disturb her during exams. I decided to tell her about my feelings after the exams. Even after the exams, i did not get a chance to tell her. She used to tease me about her possible future marriage, she knew that irritates me, I always tell her never to invite me to her marriage for obvious reasons, she used to tell i would be her 'made of honor' as in the hollywood movie. She always told me, her life is like the last poem in '10 things I hate about you' hollywood movie, i was too dumb to understand what she meant. She was dropping hints, like talking about her feline instincts, maybe i was too cautious not to hurt her, but i never understood what she intended. She drew this great picture of a kid who has his grandfathers hand on his head, which was obviously related to me, yet i did not understand. One thing lead to another, and she confessed she has feelings for me. I dont remember the exact date or day or time or even the month this occurred as i was totally swept away from my senses. It just occurred like an organic process, but she took the initiative and pain to make the move, it was bold. I always wanted to tell her, maybe its fortune or God, i dont know, but i was in the exact place i wanted to be. The feeling was splendid.
To be in love is great. To be in love with someone who you wanted really bad is even better. To be loved back by someone who you wanted really bad is the crowning glory of love. I was living through that moment. Everything were like in a beautiful movie. Like a poem, you just fall deep and deep into love. There were occasional fights, but that never lessened even the tiniest bit of love I had for her. Still i was not able to express myself completely true to her. I was like pirate with the treasure, all i wanted is to guard the treasure at any cost. I remember, she won a flower arrangement contest, which consequently deepened and strengthened our relationship, our relationship was becoming more and more real to me. Days went by, months passed, we talked about a lot of things around us, we talked about everything, we fought about every small differences we had, yet it was wonderful. And never i felt she was wrong, she was that sweet an innocent, I could never afford to lose her.
When you love someone more than you love yourself, everything you see, slowly changes to their perspective. When you love someone more than yourself, you start to worry for them, more than you worry for yourself. I was losing my mind to hers, i started to look at me, through her eyes and that took a huge toll in my life...
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Quote, 28-4-2013
"If you end up with a boring, miserable life, because you listened to your mom, dad, parents, teachers, priest or some guy on your television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it"
-Frank Zappa
-Frank Zappa
Weekly dose of philosophy april last
Everyone expects God to appear before them and sort their problems for them especially in christianity But what they comfortably neglects is that, God is never a presence like that. Even for moses, god appeared in a burning bush. The bush symbolizes the all the toil and hardship man has had upto the point, and god being the fire behind the bush, simply means God is there behind all those hardship. But in new testament, jesus appears to his disciples after resurrection, when they were catching fish. The went through a barren night without catching any fish, then jesus appears to them, unknown to the disciples, directs them to catch from the right of their boat, and they gets a net full of fish. This symbolizes how God is there behind all the goods in our lives.
After resurrection, jesus appears to his disciples first when they were trying to get away. Jesus went along them as a fellow traveller, and after he left, they understand it was jesus with them. Second time, when they were in a garden, jesus appears to them as the gardener. Then when the disciples left their faith and returned back to their old ways, catching fish, jesus appears to them as the greatest fisherman, and directs them to catch fishes. God's ways with humans are like that. We look for the obvious, expecting God, but his ways of interfering with our lives are like that. Its passive, most never understands it, yet they wait for the obvious. They wait for miracles, all they want to see is miracles, we have to think if its the miracle or the concept of God thats more important to us. Most of us are stuck in the level of miracle seekers than being God seekers. And for christianity, thats the curse we live with. We are given a proper God, that everyone accepts him without questioning the concept. Even God want us to be seekers, the life of faith is to seek truth, but most of us are happy with what we have in our hand, we never get out of that shell!
* * *
Rumi was seeking for a master. He was already a known pundit, and a philosopher, he wanted to learn more. Once rumi was reading a large stack of books, when a stranger who looked weird, uneducated and begger-like asked him what he was reading. On seeing his ruggedness, rumi replied, it was something he will never understand, the stranger threw the stack of books to water. Rumi rescued the books but was dumb struck to find that the books did not get wet. He asked the stranger how could that be possible, stranger replied that rumi will never understand that. And the stranger obviously was Shams Tabrizi. Rumi was already well educated when he met shams, but it was his pride of being the most knowledgeable that took a hit there. Later Rumi became his disciple and attributed all his work's inspiration and motivation to his beloved master Shams. In a way, most of us who lives inside a faith is like that. We think our faith is the best of all, our belief system is unquestionable, but it crumbles when a stranger who has deep and right knowledge in his belief system question ours. So be someone who tries to understand and ask questions about our values, beliefs, faith etc than being a follower of something that was given to us!!
After resurrection, jesus appears to his disciples first when they were trying to get away. Jesus went along them as a fellow traveller, and after he left, they understand it was jesus with them. Second time, when they were in a garden, jesus appears to them as the gardener. Then when the disciples left their faith and returned back to their old ways, catching fish, jesus appears to them as the greatest fisherman, and directs them to catch fishes. God's ways with humans are like that. We look for the obvious, expecting God, but his ways of interfering with our lives are like that. Its passive, most never understands it, yet they wait for the obvious. They wait for miracles, all they want to see is miracles, we have to think if its the miracle or the concept of God thats more important to us. Most of us are stuck in the level of miracle seekers than being God seekers. And for christianity, thats the curse we live with. We are given a proper God, that everyone accepts him without questioning the concept. Even God want us to be seekers, the life of faith is to seek truth, but most of us are happy with what we have in our hand, we never get out of that shell!
* * *
Rumi was seeking for a master. He was already a known pundit, and a philosopher, he wanted to learn more. Once rumi was reading a large stack of books, when a stranger who looked weird, uneducated and begger-like asked him what he was reading. On seeing his ruggedness, rumi replied, it was something he will never understand, the stranger threw the stack of books to water. Rumi rescued the books but was dumb struck to find that the books did not get wet. He asked the stranger how could that be possible, stranger replied that rumi will never understand that. And the stranger obviously was Shams Tabrizi. Rumi was already well educated when he met shams, but it was his pride of being the most knowledgeable that took a hit there. Later Rumi became his disciple and attributed all his work's inspiration and motivation to his beloved master Shams. In a way, most of us who lives inside a faith is like that. We think our faith is the best of all, our belief system is unquestionable, but it crumbles when a stranger who has deep and right knowledge in his belief system question ours. So be someone who tries to understand and ask questions about our values, beliefs, faith etc than being a follower of something that was given to us!!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Life story of a man who is failing part 6
Chapter 6
Living through the void
And I was in a familiar place once again. I was not that heart broken to be honest as some part of me knew this would end up like this. But everything was less interesting. Especially to see her everyday, eventhough trying to forget her, was a hard and sadistic task. Somehow I successfully avoided her. I don't know from where I got that courage or determination, guess the thought of her being happier without me gave me the will power to cut myself out.
Things were not at all easier at all. My friends knew I was hurt beyond consolation, so they never talked to me about her or tried to made fun of me, regarding this. I became more aimless than before, if that was possible. Reality became a pseudo state for me. And I became more introvert. People who did not knew me, treated me as the one who tried his luck on the only girl who tried to befriend me, and that tag was really hard to bear. I knew I was made fun of, in my absence, but I did not care about it at all, as long as they never did it on my presence.
I took special care never to share the same space or time with her, as I was so adamant on keeping my promise. That came with a loss though. She was a very active member in my class so she was there in the front line of every program n event of my last two years of college life. And I missed every single events, like inter college fest, our farewell, demo day, last day, everything you name it, I missed it. I'm not sad about that at all as I was never in the right mood to enjoy them. But it alienated me, estranged me even from my friends. If anything like void is there in ones life, those one n half years was it for me. No emotions, no memory, nothing.
One thing i fondly remember happened in between. One day before exams, my friend asked me to come to college as he wanted to collect hall tickets earlier. For some reason I had my car with me, and went to college on my car. Surprisingly only four of us came to the college, and one of that four was her. I never knew that would happen, i was not sure if he created that opportunity on purpose or not but i became really uneasy, and i still think it was the same for her. After all the formalities in college, she needed some company to return to her home, and asked my friend to accompany her. And he told me that and i felt betrayed at that point. I came to college, solely for him, and now he is ditching me, i felt betrayed and questioned my friendship. She too was close to him i guess, maybe more closer than myself to him, anyways, he pitched in an idea that he will come with me, if she agrees to get into my car. I thought that would never happen, maybe she was scared to travel alone, maybe she was in tough situation or maybe my adherence to my promise, i dont know she decided to come with me, but told to him that she will step out of the car the moment my friend steps out of the car. I was fine with that, totally anyways, i drove the car with maximum care, i was confused and uncomfortable at that time, that i let him and her go infront of his home, if that occured now, i would have drove to her home first, and would drop him later, that idea never went through my mind then. Anyways that was a sweet memory in the void, but that had its toll too. I had to go to another place that day on my bike, and it was raining lightly. And only thing that was running through my mind was this. And i was so absent minded that i hit a car on one of the busiest roads of my city. The bike drifted away from me and i landed flat on the road and a bus breaked just infront of me, a few inches more, that would have been the last memory of my life. Thankfully that was the last accident Ive ever had *touch wood*. Nothing more happened on that topic and frankly i did not expected it, as it was her helplessness that created the whole situation!
But it would be not be entirely true if i claim i never tried to grab her attention. I always did one thing to get her attention. That was to time myself to be on time with her bus. I never appeared in front of her. Almost everyday i overtook her bus, hoping she would lay her gaze on me. I never knew she saw me, or never even cared to look or wait to see me. But i hoped she would see me, a thing i will never know. I became more aggressive rider, inorder to meet her bus, my friends became really scared of getting on a vehicle with me, i dont fault them. And then came the last days of college. I dont know why, but she gave me her autograph book and asked me to write something on it. I dont know what i wrote, i dont have any idea as i was trying my best to forget anything i captured from college, but if it happened now, i would have written the lyrics for 'tears in heaven' by eric clapton. I also gave her a CD, which had an mp3 playlist, like said before, i still dont know what all songs i gave it to her, i can imagine some of the songs, but not the order. Anyways i never bothered to have an autograph book for myself as i never wanted any memory from college. And for the last day of college, there were a lot of get together like programs planned by my friends. I wanted to avoid it at any cost, so i asked everyone of my friends to accompany me to booze somewhere else, just to keep myself away from the whole thing, everyone declined me but two. And that was one of the kindest gesture Ive ever received until that point of my life. They were ready to ditch their last day of college to be with me, and we went to this bar. That was the last day of my college, and we got drunk like there was no tomorrow. When everyone were busy creating memories and photographs to treasure for their life, we three were there, drinking to forget everything!
And college ended, everyone drifted apart from each other. Everyone who i used to see on daily basis, who i considered to be my best friends, became someone who i used to know. That is life right? Outgrowing ourselves from one level to another. The most treasured people or things will accompany us, or we will fight for them to bring them to the next phase, guess it was my fault too, that they left me, or i left them. Those days i became more active on messenger, since it was the only gateway for me to talk with the people i knew. My parents let me take a sabbatical from career/life as they knew i was really messed up. When everyone were busy to make a career or job, i was recouping myself and i'm really grateful for them for letting me a time off. Those 2 years made me, defined my character than 16 years of education.
I was in touch with some girls who were classmates via messenger, they, to my surprise, knew how affected i was, and they tried to console me, always. They said she would never consider me like that, and a guy like me could never get a good girl like her. Their talk made sense to me all the time, but i was never ready to move on for some reason i did not know. It never made sense to me or my friends, since nothing serious happened between us, still i was crazily committed, may be I got issues. Even her best friend, who befriended me, later confronted me on this topic and told me square on my face that, she will never even consider me. Still i brushed it all away, not hoping that she would come back, I was sure that she would never come back, still I never grew out of it.
And i was free all the time. Laziness crept to me, I was in my sorrow pants still, after two years, so I decided to fulfill something that i always wanted. I started taking guitar lessons under a tutor. One of my mentor. He was a character, my tutor, he was a man of strong principles, money never seduced him, he could have easily made a living out of his guitar skills, but he chose to teach guitars to others. He was proficient in almost every form of guitar, yet he chose classical guitar and stuck with it, a decision that took a huge toll for him, career and monetary wise. He was a purist, a romantic, and i got influenced by his character. The passion he got to guitar was pure and unchanging, something i could relate to. More that guitar his character won me and i started to take guitar seriously. And one of those days the unthinkable happened to me!!!
Living through the void
And I was in a familiar place once again. I was not that heart broken to be honest as some part of me knew this would end up like this. But everything was less interesting. Especially to see her everyday, eventhough trying to forget her, was a hard and sadistic task. Somehow I successfully avoided her. I don't know from where I got that courage or determination, guess the thought of her being happier without me gave me the will power to cut myself out.
Things were not at all easier at all. My friends knew I was hurt beyond consolation, so they never talked to me about her or tried to made fun of me, regarding this. I became more aimless than before, if that was possible. Reality became a pseudo state for me. And I became more introvert. People who did not knew me, treated me as the one who tried his luck on the only girl who tried to befriend me, and that tag was really hard to bear. I knew I was made fun of, in my absence, but I did not care about it at all, as long as they never did it on my presence.
I took special care never to share the same space or time with her, as I was so adamant on keeping my promise. That came with a loss though. She was a very active member in my class so she was there in the front line of every program n event of my last two years of college life. And I missed every single events, like inter college fest, our farewell, demo day, last day, everything you name it, I missed it. I'm not sad about that at all as I was never in the right mood to enjoy them. But it alienated me, estranged me even from my friends. If anything like void is there in ones life, those one n half years was it for me. No emotions, no memory, nothing.
One thing i fondly remember happened in between. One day before exams, my friend asked me to come to college as he wanted to collect hall tickets earlier. For some reason I had my car with me, and went to college on my car. Surprisingly only four of us came to the college, and one of that four was her. I never knew that would happen, i was not sure if he created that opportunity on purpose or not but i became really uneasy, and i still think it was the same for her. After all the formalities in college, she needed some company to return to her home, and asked my friend to accompany her. And he told me that and i felt betrayed at that point. I came to college, solely for him, and now he is ditching me, i felt betrayed and questioned my friendship. She too was close to him i guess, maybe more closer than myself to him, anyways, he pitched in an idea that he will come with me, if she agrees to get into my car. I thought that would never happen, maybe she was scared to travel alone, maybe she was in tough situation or maybe my adherence to my promise, i dont know she decided to come with me, but told to him that she will step out of the car the moment my friend steps out of the car. I was fine with that, totally anyways, i drove the car with maximum care, i was confused and uncomfortable at that time, that i let him and her go infront of his home, if that occured now, i would have drove to her home first, and would drop him later, that idea never went through my mind then. Anyways that was a sweet memory in the void, but that had its toll too. I had to go to another place that day on my bike, and it was raining lightly. And only thing that was running through my mind was this. And i was so absent minded that i hit a car on one of the busiest roads of my city. The bike drifted away from me and i landed flat on the road and a bus breaked just infront of me, a few inches more, that would have been the last memory of my life. Thankfully that was the last accident Ive ever had *touch wood*. Nothing more happened on that topic and frankly i did not expected it, as it was her helplessness that created the whole situation!
But it would be not be entirely true if i claim i never tried to grab her attention. I always did one thing to get her attention. That was to time myself to be on time with her bus. I never appeared in front of her. Almost everyday i overtook her bus, hoping she would lay her gaze on me. I never knew she saw me, or never even cared to look or wait to see me. But i hoped she would see me, a thing i will never know. I became more aggressive rider, inorder to meet her bus, my friends became really scared of getting on a vehicle with me, i dont fault them. And then came the last days of college. I dont know why, but she gave me her autograph book and asked me to write something on it. I dont know what i wrote, i dont have any idea as i was trying my best to forget anything i captured from college, but if it happened now, i would have written the lyrics for 'tears in heaven' by eric clapton. I also gave her a CD, which had an mp3 playlist, like said before, i still dont know what all songs i gave it to her, i can imagine some of the songs, but not the order. Anyways i never bothered to have an autograph book for myself as i never wanted any memory from college. And for the last day of college, there were a lot of get together like programs planned by my friends. I wanted to avoid it at any cost, so i asked everyone of my friends to accompany me to booze somewhere else, just to keep myself away from the whole thing, everyone declined me but two. And that was one of the kindest gesture Ive ever received until that point of my life. They were ready to ditch their last day of college to be with me, and we went to this bar. That was the last day of my college, and we got drunk like there was no tomorrow. When everyone were busy creating memories and photographs to treasure for their life, we three were there, drinking to forget everything!
And college ended, everyone drifted apart from each other. Everyone who i used to see on daily basis, who i considered to be my best friends, became someone who i used to know. That is life right? Outgrowing ourselves from one level to another. The most treasured people or things will accompany us, or we will fight for them to bring them to the next phase, guess it was my fault too, that they left me, or i left them. Those days i became more active on messenger, since it was the only gateway for me to talk with the people i knew. My parents let me take a sabbatical from career/life as they knew i was really messed up. When everyone were busy to make a career or job, i was recouping myself and i'm really grateful for them for letting me a time off. Those 2 years made me, defined my character than 16 years of education.
I was in touch with some girls who were classmates via messenger, they, to my surprise, knew how affected i was, and they tried to console me, always. They said she would never consider me like that, and a guy like me could never get a good girl like her. Their talk made sense to me all the time, but i was never ready to move on for some reason i did not know. It never made sense to me or my friends, since nothing serious happened between us, still i was crazily committed, may be I got issues. Even her best friend, who befriended me, later confronted me on this topic and told me square on my face that, she will never even consider me. Still i brushed it all away, not hoping that she would come back, I was sure that she would never come back, still I never grew out of it.
And i was free all the time. Laziness crept to me, I was in my sorrow pants still, after two years, so I decided to fulfill something that i always wanted. I started taking guitar lessons under a tutor. One of my mentor. He was a character, my tutor, he was a man of strong principles, money never seduced him, he could have easily made a living out of his guitar skills, but he chose to teach guitars to others. He was proficient in almost every form of guitar, yet he chose classical guitar and stuck with it, a decision that took a huge toll for him, career and monetary wise. He was a purist, a romantic, and i got influenced by his character. The passion he got to guitar was pure and unchanging, something i could relate to. More that guitar his character won me and i started to take guitar seriously. And one of those days the unthinkable happened to me!!!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Quote 27-4-2013
I Know Your Life Can Go On Without Me,
That You Can Be Happy Without Me,
That You Can Survive Without Me,
But Even If You Turn Me Away,
I Will Still Choose To Stay With You,
Be Your Sweetest Stranger Forever..
-Unknown
That You Can Be Happy Without Me,
That You Can Survive Without Me,
But Even If You Turn Me Away,
I Will Still Choose To Stay With You,
Be Your Sweetest Stranger Forever..
-Unknown
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Life story of a man who is failing part 5
Chapter 5
And Life Changes
I was always inside my group of friends. I never spend much time inside class, I never had any good conversation outside my group of friends. Every breaks i spent time outside college, so there was never a chance for anyone to befriend me, unless they too spent every breaks outside college. Then in 2nd year labs started, which gave me some time to mingle with other classmates. Still i was the odd one out, and my place in the class, was the guy who just laughs at others jokes. Time went on, without any major changes, and finally my 3rd year started. Our third year class was isolated in a different block, which i liked. It was peaceful than it used to be, and then someone started to get into my attention a lot more than usual!
She was someone i used to see from day 1, but never laid my eyes on her. She was made fun of her workshop attire, by many of my friends, yet i never noticed her that much. We did not had many mutual friends at that point of time, one of my best friend is her best friend, still the topic of her never popped up to me. Sometimes people just get attracted to another like an iron to magnet. There was no interaction or nothing between us, still she popped up to my mind without any reason. And i ignored it feeling its just an infatuation. I did not even made an attempt to get a friendship with her, still dont know why, maybe i liked my life as a loner. But things became so enthralled in my mind that i had to do something about it for my peace. I had talked to her on a random subject before, if my memory serves right, it was about an old friend i had in my church, who was in her school, or i thought she was. I dont know why, but she was very welcoming in her approach to me, maybe her general character. It was during 3rd semester, and we had some chitchats during our 3rd semester study tour, where i fondly remember her saying i looked like an x-men character, NIGHTCRAWLER, which at that point i was unaware of. I had to see the whole X-men series to understand who i looked like, dint like it though! Anyways our interactions were minimal, like i had maintained with everyone else. But this time, I badly wanted to talk with her, but weirdly im not able to do so. For the first time in my life, i was aware of my image, i wanted to have a good image infront of somebody, maybe that screwed my confidence, anyways i was not able to talk to her at all, other than in the usual hi-bye situations.
And then came my birthday, and as usual, i was least aware of it. I even bunked college for some other reason, and like always, there was nothing special about that day and it passed on. Two days later, she called me on my phone and at that point i did not had anyones number. I was awestruck, about someone taking an effort to wish me my birthday, for someone who has never had a birthday present in his entire life, that wish was the best gift I ever had. Thing began to complicate in my mind, but i wanted to keep everything simple as i could. I just ignored what my mind was saying, i was not the type of guy who goes after girls, talking never been my strong point in my life, even guys had a hard time talking to me, so i was certain, evenif i tried to talk with her, she would drift far apart from me. Then came the IV, and the interactions between us were even more. But from outside, no one suspected, as my improved interactions were still below par for anyone to suspect my liking for her. Except for one. My best friend! He knew how i deal girls in my life, and he noticed my effort to interact with her, and he asked me blatantly what i was trying to achieve. I was not prepared to answer him, even i have'nt thought about it, i was like a leaf in a stream without any aim, that question made me think. I wanted to get her attention, a thing ive never experienced until then, i was never an 'attention hogger'. I saw myself changing inorder to get an opportunity to talk with her, those feelings comes only once in a life time, i was excited as well as scared, as in my mind i knew it was all set for my heart break in the end. But that does'nt prevent me from living those moments in my mind. Everything got interesting at that point. I was leading a life like a black and white frame, suddenly color was poured into my frame, and that feeling is indescribable. For once i started to feel the essence of life. The raised heart beat when i see her, my attention to scan for her on every visual that goes through my eyes, it truly is an amazing feeling.
This feeling started to make me uncomfortable, as until that point, i never shared anything about this to anyone. And people around me never expected me to jump into these situations, i felt alive, i can feel my pounding heart, I can feel the dissatisfaction when i cant get her attention, i felt like Im real. Yet i did not make any moves, but my friend sensed my mind already and asked me to call her once in a while. He said i dont know anything about her, and she might be totally different to what i know, so atleast i need to take a step at any direction than being stuck here. But i was not able to regroup myself to call her. And i used my phone like walkie talkie, and never talked to anyone over 2-3 minutes. Finally i called her, she was a chatter, I was not able to follow most of the things she told me, yet i enjoyed the phone conversations, which where like 3-4 minutes. I still remember how she comes up with a topic and i blindly rejected that saying i already knew about it, my friend almost killed me for not letting her talk. And then she went to an inter collegiate competition which she won, along with my other class mates, she came back and talked to me about it. I never used to bring food from home, and that day she shared her food with me, and it was something like sandwich. I always admire people who shares their food from home to me, my mom was always ill or way too busy with her work, so home food were always the repetition of same dishes, which are obviously minimal. That food sharing move was totally new to me, as i never asks for favor to anyone, i did not asked her, she did not force me, but i got that sandwich in my hand, and i still remember how it tasted! My imaginations were running endless, still i did not had the courage to make any move. But my friends started to eat my head.
There is this weird gang of people in my class, who always made fun of others relationships. Obviously i fell as a prey for them, since both me and her never gave anyone a chance to make fun of. I dont know how they treated her, but i was tormented by them, to such point that i wanted to hit them bad, but my friends prevented me from doing so. Anyways time was moving forward, and i was growing desperate, and i wanted to let it go one way or another. I tried myself to create a gap between her and me, to see whether i can live without the idea of her, i almost cut myself off from talking to her, for more than 2 weeks, i suffered, i suffered bad, which convinced me to act on the matter. My friends too advised me to let her know what i felt about her, i was in two minds. My friends battled with me to convince me to talk from my heart, a thing i was never used to, and i really felt weak in my knees to do so. Some part of me already knew, she will reject me on the spot, but i became an optimist for the first time in my life. Our class had a community in orkut, and there was some thread running regarding love. I accidentally, indirectly confessed that Im in love, i dont remember the exact situation, but it was obvious that i was in love. Word reached her too, and i dont know she suspected anything, but she called me and asked who it was. That was a great opportunity to profess my love, still i was afraid and said its someone she knew, and she took it as a challenge to find her and i gave her a weeks time to do so. Finally that week ended, i thought she will call me to ask me who she was, but that never happened. My friends pushed me one final time to talk to her, I still remember it was a wednesday, april 23 2008. After class she was walking down the stairs infront of me, and she was with her friends. I was with one of my friend. I over took her, got to the corridor first, waited for her, she came, i said i need to talk to her, my friend who was with me, dint knew i had a thing for her, he was clueless. I became really nervous, ive been through a lot, but this was the first time ever, especially to tell someone about how i feel. I asked her, if she had found who im in love with, she said no, i said its her, and she said she could never see me like that, while she was walking to her bus.
I turned and walked, and i went to bike stand, got my bike, went straight to the shop in front of college, and bought a cigarrette. My friend who was with me, was more in shock than i was, as he did not had any idea what just happened there, I was in a mixed feeling. I already knew it would be a rejection, some part of me was at peace, since i now know, she knows how i see her, i now know, i have a response with me, maybe i thought i could get closure. Its always easier to forget something that we can never get, certainly better than obsessing on something that seems to be in our reach. Anyways, our mutual friend called me and said, she will never take me up, and i should never disturb her. She herself called me and echoed similar thoughts, i was in bed, i was weeping like a kid, the only occasion that ive cried on phone, she told me she could never see me like that, and i should never pursue on that topic anymore as she still sees me as a friend. I could never change my perspective on a person, maybe there are people, who could fall in love, and then move on, im not configured like that, and i said the same to her, she just cut me off then and there and asked to promise never to bother her again. I only promise when Im certain, and abstaining myself is one thing im good at, so i promised her that i will never bother her, and will never try from my side to interact with her and its a promise that i kept forever !!!
And Life Changes
I was always inside my group of friends. I never spend much time inside class, I never had any good conversation outside my group of friends. Every breaks i spent time outside college, so there was never a chance for anyone to befriend me, unless they too spent every breaks outside college. Then in 2nd year labs started, which gave me some time to mingle with other classmates. Still i was the odd one out, and my place in the class, was the guy who just laughs at others jokes. Time went on, without any major changes, and finally my 3rd year started. Our third year class was isolated in a different block, which i liked. It was peaceful than it used to be, and then someone started to get into my attention a lot more than usual!
She was someone i used to see from day 1, but never laid my eyes on her. She was made fun of her workshop attire, by many of my friends, yet i never noticed her that much. We did not had many mutual friends at that point of time, one of my best friend is her best friend, still the topic of her never popped up to me. Sometimes people just get attracted to another like an iron to magnet. There was no interaction or nothing between us, still she popped up to my mind without any reason. And i ignored it feeling its just an infatuation. I did not even made an attempt to get a friendship with her, still dont know why, maybe i liked my life as a loner. But things became so enthralled in my mind that i had to do something about it for my peace. I had talked to her on a random subject before, if my memory serves right, it was about an old friend i had in my church, who was in her school, or i thought she was. I dont know why, but she was very welcoming in her approach to me, maybe her general character. It was during 3rd semester, and we had some chitchats during our 3rd semester study tour, where i fondly remember her saying i looked like an x-men character, NIGHTCRAWLER, which at that point i was unaware of. I had to see the whole X-men series to understand who i looked like, dint like it though! Anyways our interactions were minimal, like i had maintained with everyone else. But this time, I badly wanted to talk with her, but weirdly im not able to do so. For the first time in my life, i was aware of my image, i wanted to have a good image infront of somebody, maybe that screwed my confidence, anyways i was not able to talk to her at all, other than in the usual hi-bye situations.
And then came my birthday, and as usual, i was least aware of it. I even bunked college for some other reason, and like always, there was nothing special about that day and it passed on. Two days later, she called me on my phone and at that point i did not had anyones number. I was awestruck, about someone taking an effort to wish me my birthday, for someone who has never had a birthday present in his entire life, that wish was the best gift I ever had. Thing began to complicate in my mind, but i wanted to keep everything simple as i could. I just ignored what my mind was saying, i was not the type of guy who goes after girls, talking never been my strong point in my life, even guys had a hard time talking to me, so i was certain, evenif i tried to talk with her, she would drift far apart from me. Then came the IV, and the interactions between us were even more. But from outside, no one suspected, as my improved interactions were still below par for anyone to suspect my liking for her. Except for one. My best friend! He knew how i deal girls in my life, and he noticed my effort to interact with her, and he asked me blatantly what i was trying to achieve. I was not prepared to answer him, even i have'nt thought about it, i was like a leaf in a stream without any aim, that question made me think. I wanted to get her attention, a thing ive never experienced until then, i was never an 'attention hogger'. I saw myself changing inorder to get an opportunity to talk with her, those feelings comes only once in a life time, i was excited as well as scared, as in my mind i knew it was all set for my heart break in the end. But that does'nt prevent me from living those moments in my mind. Everything got interesting at that point. I was leading a life like a black and white frame, suddenly color was poured into my frame, and that feeling is indescribable. For once i started to feel the essence of life. The raised heart beat when i see her, my attention to scan for her on every visual that goes through my eyes, it truly is an amazing feeling.
This feeling started to make me uncomfortable, as until that point, i never shared anything about this to anyone. And people around me never expected me to jump into these situations, i felt alive, i can feel my pounding heart, I can feel the dissatisfaction when i cant get her attention, i felt like Im real. Yet i did not make any moves, but my friend sensed my mind already and asked me to call her once in a while. He said i dont know anything about her, and she might be totally different to what i know, so atleast i need to take a step at any direction than being stuck here. But i was not able to regroup myself to call her. And i used my phone like walkie talkie, and never talked to anyone over 2-3 minutes. Finally i called her, she was a chatter, I was not able to follow most of the things she told me, yet i enjoyed the phone conversations, which where like 3-4 minutes. I still remember how she comes up with a topic and i blindly rejected that saying i already knew about it, my friend almost killed me for not letting her talk. And then she went to an inter collegiate competition which she won, along with my other class mates, she came back and talked to me about it. I never used to bring food from home, and that day she shared her food with me, and it was something like sandwich. I always admire people who shares their food from home to me, my mom was always ill or way too busy with her work, so home food were always the repetition of same dishes, which are obviously minimal. That food sharing move was totally new to me, as i never asks for favor to anyone, i did not asked her, she did not force me, but i got that sandwich in my hand, and i still remember how it tasted! My imaginations were running endless, still i did not had the courage to make any move. But my friends started to eat my head.
There is this weird gang of people in my class, who always made fun of others relationships. Obviously i fell as a prey for them, since both me and her never gave anyone a chance to make fun of. I dont know how they treated her, but i was tormented by them, to such point that i wanted to hit them bad, but my friends prevented me from doing so. Anyways time was moving forward, and i was growing desperate, and i wanted to let it go one way or another. I tried myself to create a gap between her and me, to see whether i can live without the idea of her, i almost cut myself off from talking to her, for more than 2 weeks, i suffered, i suffered bad, which convinced me to act on the matter. My friends too advised me to let her know what i felt about her, i was in two minds. My friends battled with me to convince me to talk from my heart, a thing i was never used to, and i really felt weak in my knees to do so. Some part of me already knew, she will reject me on the spot, but i became an optimist for the first time in my life. Our class had a community in orkut, and there was some thread running regarding love. I accidentally, indirectly confessed that Im in love, i dont remember the exact situation, but it was obvious that i was in love. Word reached her too, and i dont know she suspected anything, but she called me and asked who it was. That was a great opportunity to profess my love, still i was afraid and said its someone she knew, and she took it as a challenge to find her and i gave her a weeks time to do so. Finally that week ended, i thought she will call me to ask me who she was, but that never happened. My friends pushed me one final time to talk to her, I still remember it was a wednesday, april 23 2008. After class she was walking down the stairs infront of me, and she was with her friends. I was with one of my friend. I over took her, got to the corridor first, waited for her, she came, i said i need to talk to her, my friend who was with me, dint knew i had a thing for her, he was clueless. I became really nervous, ive been through a lot, but this was the first time ever, especially to tell someone about how i feel. I asked her, if she had found who im in love with, she said no, i said its her, and she said she could never see me like that, while she was walking to her bus.
I turned and walked, and i went to bike stand, got my bike, went straight to the shop in front of college, and bought a cigarrette. My friend who was with me, was more in shock than i was, as he did not had any idea what just happened there, I was in a mixed feeling. I already knew it would be a rejection, some part of me was at peace, since i now know, she knows how i see her, i now know, i have a response with me, maybe i thought i could get closure. Its always easier to forget something that we can never get, certainly better than obsessing on something that seems to be in our reach. Anyways, our mutual friend called me and said, she will never take me up, and i should never disturb her. She herself called me and echoed similar thoughts, i was in bed, i was weeping like a kid, the only occasion that ive cried on phone, she told me she could never see me like that, and i should never pursue on that topic anymore as she still sees me as a friend. I could never change my perspective on a person, maybe there are people, who could fall in love, and then move on, im not configured like that, and i said the same to her, she just cut me off then and there and asked to promise never to bother her again. I only promise when Im certain, and abstaining myself is one thing im good at, so i promised her that i will never bother her, and will never try from my side to interact with her and its a promise that i kept forever !!!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Fighters perspective
Boxing glossary
orthodox stance - the boxing stance with left arm leading.
jab - short and quick, whip like punch thrown with left
cross - powerful right hand punch, with whole body weight getting rotated into the punch.
dancing - quick footwork, with a slight jumping/hoping movement. Requires whole lot of stamina and cardio workout backing to do so.
gum sheild - the mouth guard that is used
sway back - taking a step back from a punch inorder to miss it.
RSC OC - referee stopped contest, Out classed
TKO - technical knock out
This is the recollection of my favorite fight, that took place on aug 14th 2011 which i won by a technical knockout on second round. I remember this fight to perfection, and would like to remember it forever by writing it down.
...
The fixture came out, and my fight is bout number 40. The current fight that is going on is 29, so I have got atleast one hour to get ready. Im fighting from blue corner, so i got dressed and wrapped myself in sweat shirts and lower. I think every boxers hearts pound like a drum at this point. I started getting ready for the fight. I put on my fight shoes which takes atleast 10 mins to wear it properly. I took out my hand wraps and ab guard. There is still a lot of time to my fight, but im getting ready as early as possible.
Went to my coach, he said, you got enough time, and the opponent is not a well known fighter, so he just asked me to relax, breathe and get warmed up. The bout number now was 32, 8 more fights to go. I went away from main venue, drank some water, and tried to remember what all punch and combo's i have in my arsenal. I started to limber up slowly but in a steady pace from head to toe. Slight jogging, breathe excercises, everything i remembered i did it, still my mind was a scramble as Im not an experienced fighter yet. I spent almost 30 mins there, warming up and throwing punches at a slower pace. I did not throw every punches ive got, since i knew someone around is my opponent and i dont want him to know my capabilities. My friends rubbed my face with vaseline. They throw punches at me at a slower pace to work on my defense. Everything looks perfect on course. I started wrapping my hands, not so tight, but firm. Unlike wrapping for a practice or bag session, i dint wrap a lot around my knuckles, i wanted my opponent to get a feel of it.
Bout number 38, my coach's call came to me. They've issued my gloves and head guard. Its customary for a coach to pray with the boxer and help us wear the gloves and guard. He touched both gloves on my fore head and asked me to pray. Then he checked how good my hand wraps are, checked if i've worn ad guard, and then gave me the right hand glove and asked to wear it. I start from left to right usually during training, but i just followed my coaches orders. I got ready, he assigned two of my friends to my corner and gave them instructions. He then came to me and told me to throw longer jabs, and dont attempt for hooks in 1st round and always start jabbing with right guard up and never to attempt slip or duck on every punches. He also told me to cover as much ring as possible and dance occasionally and always throw the first punch. And to look towards him whenever the referee says stop.
My name got announced in the speaker system and its my turn now. I just walked towards the blue corner, coach just gave nod, Im getting tunnel vision. I was trying to remember everything and repeating them on my mind so that i wont forget in the excitement. My mind was like 'always keep the guard up, never get into a corner, dance around and keep away from his right' etc. Im not able to hear any sounds, the next thing i know, im inside the corner, facing the ref. He came to me and checked everything, and asked the seconds to clear the corner. He went to the red corner, checked him and then called me to the center of the ring to touch gloves. I put the most serious face Ive got, touched his gloves, went back to my corner. And then came the announcement.
BOUT NUMBER 40, LIGHT WELTERWEIGHT, FIRST ROUND *DING*
The sound of the ring bell really startles. And i rushed to the center of the ring, one thing i learned from sparring sessions with heavier partners at my place. Never get too close to the rope, especially on corners as its disaster. He too came out aggressively, first thing i noticed, he is taller than me but a lot thinner, which i liked. His guard is really close to his face, but his elbows are up, so if i get inside, i could attack his body. I disregarded coaches instruction to throw the first punch, and anticipated for him to throw. He plays more cautious than i thought, even after me got into his range, he did not throw any punch straight away. I just opened my left guard inorder to tantalize him, he saw an opportunity, and punched me. Left jab as expected, i rolled it but did not counter it as i did not know if he throws punched in bunches. That move proved good as he followed his first punch with a cross and i danced away from it too. And he kept his guard high. Now its my turn to do something. I feinted an attack he took atleast 2 steps back, and i saw my chance their as he was closer to the corner, i let go a flurry without any aim. The only thing i intended was speed and power and threw atleast 5 punches fast including hook. And ref screamed stop. I thought it would be a standing 8 count for him as all my punches landed on him, some on his guard, some on his body. But it was a warning for me. Improper left hook. From there the fight got intense.
I think, he expected a little more respect for him as i was shorter than him, seeing me attack and trying to get inside, he lost it and he started to punch without any aim whenever i came closer to his range. That made my life hard. Slipping does'nt work against a guy like this, sway back wont as he is taller than me, i will never find him in my range. I just moved around jabbing him, occasionally i got hit by his punches, but nothing devastating, and then came the ring bell marking the end of first round. I walked to my corner thinking everything i did were right. My seconds murdered me! for not throwing enough punches. They just kept on insulting, saying im fighting a kids fight, that too a losing one. Im not putting any show, so that the judge could give me some point. They enraged me. I looked towards the coach, he showed gestures to slip inside and add left uppercut to my combinations. Then came the bell for second round.
I was enraged and was out to prove a point. I did not wait him, i moved as fast as i could got out of my corner and flurried him with another combination. As before ref stopped it, and took my hand and warned me for improper left hook and deducted a point from me. Another shock, now i should not hit with left hook as it would potentially disqualify me. I became more conscious and tried to attack him and on my urgency, i did not care about my guard, he got me, landed a solid 1-2 on my face, and he did something and the next thing i remember, i was down on the canvas. I hoped it was not a knock out, thankfully it was not, his elbow caught me on my forehead and he pushed me down with his fore arm. Ref warned him, i was in huge relief. He came out strong after the warning and tried to hit me with 1-2. I swayed back the jab,slipped outside for the cross and let my left uppercut loose to his ribs,and followed it with a right cross and the right cross landed sweetly, he got an 8 count.
The ref directed me to neutral corner, i did not want to give him even a second more to regroup, i got their as fast as possible and looked towards my coach. He signaled me to come out of the corner with short steps. when ref looked at me, i appeared to be in the corner but i was already 5-6 feet out. He counted 8 and said box, and i was already in range to hit him again. He did not expected it, one tactic i perfected during practice. Another huge combination for me and his counter attack efforts were deemed foul and point deduction was given to him. That made me more arrogant. I started slipping and moved close range to him. I was getting hit on my guard and on my face, but i closed him to the corner, keeping my guard up, got him stuck there, and throwed 5-6 body uppercuts continuously, he had no answer to it. The ref stopped the fight. I was fearing for another improper left hook. He directed my opponent to his corner, and me to mine, and said to the judge panel.
RED CORNER, RSC OC
Man i was overjoyed. RSC OC in amateur boxing is the equivalent for TKO in professional. RSC OC means referee stopped contest, outclassed. I just went to a very happy corner, with cheering seconds, gave my glove and head guard there, came back to the center of the ring by the side of the ref. And the judge panel announcement came in the speaker system.
Bout number 40, WINNER IN THE BLUE CORNER *My Name*
One of the best days of my life. Hearing the crowd applaud for you, the sense of achievement is like an addiction to a drug..
Friday, April 19, 2013
Fallen
All my life I thought I was someone who could understand problems. People around me used me as a punch bag to vent their frustrations n get some relief and I liked that. Even I thought that's one of my gift and took credit for it. People felt safe with me, physically and emotionally, numerous times I've rescued my friends from tough situations. I've been to many fights in school as well as in college, but none for my cause. Every fights I've been to, every beating I took, were for my friends. And I've got no complaints regarding it. And my friends used me to solve problems and to seek some advice, and I took it as one of the few quality I possess in my otherwise insignificant life. Im never been hugged in my life, always wanted one but never got one. I always strived to be someone who I never had to rely on, in my childhood so that people around me never miss someone I missed throughout my childhood and early adulthood.
And then it occured to me. One of the most valuable person in my life, if not the most valuable, who I thinks knows me inside out, said to me indirectly that I'm immature n can't b relied on as a support. That fall was hard. Being stripped from an only quality one think he possess, I felt like like a naked leper , that was like a nail on my forehead driven mercilessly. But I'm grateful fr letting this known to me. Atleast I won't act as a fool who thinks he has the control of the situation. Atleast now I knw hw I impart myself on others as a person, have to confess, I thought I was slightly better than what I really am. I was afraid to stay true to my heart n emotions. I always feared of a backlash maybe that prevented me frm being expressive. The realization is a tough pill to swallow, but I know I'm at the rock bottom and things could only get better from this or stay the same way as it is now. But the emotion of falling from a self created, self imagined throne HURTS!!! My desire to be someone I always aspired to be, someone I never had, was blown away like dust in wind!!
I've heard some people in earth don't desrve happiness, take any scriptures like old testament bible, or the epics or Nordic stories, you will come across characters like these and I'm starting to believe that those kind do exist. Any form of happiness they get will be removed from them. Afterall everyone enters this world bare handed n leave the same way. Some end up being the fallen guess that's what destiny holds for some of us...
And then it occured to me. One of the most valuable person in my life, if not the most valuable, who I thinks knows me inside out, said to me indirectly that I'm immature n can't b relied on as a support. That fall was hard. Being stripped from an only quality one think he possess, I felt like like a naked leper , that was like a nail on my forehead driven mercilessly. But I'm grateful fr letting this known to me. Atleast I won't act as a fool who thinks he has the control of the situation. Atleast now I knw hw I impart myself on others as a person, have to confess, I thought I was slightly better than what I really am. I was afraid to stay true to my heart n emotions. I always feared of a backlash maybe that prevented me frm being expressive. The realization is a tough pill to swallow, but I know I'm at the rock bottom and things could only get better from this or stay the same way as it is now. But the emotion of falling from a self created, self imagined throne HURTS!!! My desire to be someone I always aspired to be, someone I never had, was blown away like dust in wind!!
I've heard some people in earth don't desrve happiness, take any scriptures like old testament bible, or the epics or Nordic stories, you will come across characters like these and I'm starting to believe that those kind do exist. Any form of happiness they get will be removed from them. Afterall everyone enters this world bare handed n leave the same way. Some end up being the fallen guess that's what destiny holds for some of us...
Friday, April 12, 2013
Life story of a man who is failing part 4
Chapter 4
And life fills me with content!
College! It was the dreamland for many. Since i had made some good friends, i was already someone before i landed there. There was already a huge circle of friends, that i knew from many places, ranging from final year to my classmates, so the integration part was easy, i was never exposed to ragging or bullying, but the college was like a strict prison!
The first year or the freshman year was a continuation of the previous two years. I never bothered about girls, never even cared to make friendship so life was happy and peaceful. My friends were tight, i scored decent marks, never got into serious troubles, everything was fun and bright. Then second year happened.
Juniors started to flow in, and myself being already familiar with most of the guys in the college, everyone thought i would be a fun partner to prey on the juniors. I never liked the concept of ragging, yet people took me with them to bully juniors, and through orkut i became friends with these two girls. They were real good friends of me. Of the two, one began to chat with me on daily basis. She was already in a relationship, and i never bothered about it, since it was not my intentions to fall for anyone. I really liked my freedom, and despised the idea of true love. My faiths were too rigid and hard laid. I became a free thinker, and became open to philosophy and started to become an atheist. And the teen hormones does'nt help the cause either. I started to become knowledgeable on things like football, general knowledge etc. People started to believe im an intellectual, truth is that im and always was far from it. It might be due to the loneliness, or my moms illness, i started reading at a young age, or because i talked less, or quoted other people or ideas so often, that people misunderstood me, i was always a shallow and hollow person without any emotional attachments still people thought i was something, and has the potential to become something else than what i was. Anyways coming back to the point, i became a good friend to her, and helped her escape from the clutches of senior students who made her a target. I risked one of my friendship to save her, one thing which i later regretted.
I used to have my lunch from a canteen outside of the college, and when i returned back all my classmates were infront of the freshman block, and a freshman was arguing with my friend. I totally lost it and got him by his collar and thrashed him to a wall. By the grace of god, nothing more happened, and everyone around jumped on me inorder to stop me. Anyways, what i did not know was, the freshman was talking to the girl i befriended, and thats when my classmates picked on him. One thing lead to another, and the whole matter looked as if, i thrashed a junior for talking to my love interest... WHAT???
Sad part is even she was convinced, and this became a huge deal in college, and petitions and complaints reached the principal and dean, and was in the make of being a criminal case. I was called for hearing multiple times, thanks to one of my friend and a nun who thought i was a good person, all the things settled but it scarred me. Accusing of something that never crossed my mind, it was hard to swallow. I was hurt, bad thing is no one understood how much that hurted my pride, i became more estranged and relied more on alcohol and smokes. Things became dark for me, and i became deluded. Getting no support when you are weak is the worst thing anyone could go through. No one understood the real me, and i never relied on anyone. And there were a lot of smoke buddies and drink buddies, it was hard for people to imagine me in normal state, i was always intoxicated, and it took its toll on my studies. Ive never liked engineering in the first place, i was never a technical person, i was more interested in fields like philosophy, psychology, history, geography, economics, law etc, and wanted to take that bad, but it fell into the deaf ears of my parents...
2 years went by in the dark alleys,i never bothered to befriend anyone other than 6-7 friends i had in class. Life was simple, filled with smoke and booze, it was fun in its own ways. In between i got a bike, and it brought another side of me. I loved risks and speed. Even before i got license i was racing around, embracing 100+ speeds, i missed accidents by centimeters, but the adrenaline rush was awesome. Then it happened, my life altering experience... The one that changed my life, my perspective, my thinking, my future everything...
And life fills me with content!
College! It was the dreamland for many. Since i had made some good friends, i was already someone before i landed there. There was already a huge circle of friends, that i knew from many places, ranging from final year to my classmates, so the integration part was easy, i was never exposed to ragging or bullying, but the college was like a strict prison!
The first year or the freshman year was a continuation of the previous two years. I never bothered about girls, never even cared to make friendship so life was happy and peaceful. My friends were tight, i scored decent marks, never got into serious troubles, everything was fun and bright. Then second year happened.
Juniors started to flow in, and myself being already familiar with most of the guys in the college, everyone thought i would be a fun partner to prey on the juniors. I never liked the concept of ragging, yet people took me with them to bully juniors, and through orkut i became friends with these two girls. They were real good friends of me. Of the two, one began to chat with me on daily basis. She was already in a relationship, and i never bothered about it, since it was not my intentions to fall for anyone. I really liked my freedom, and despised the idea of true love. My faiths were too rigid and hard laid. I became a free thinker, and became open to philosophy and started to become an atheist. And the teen hormones does'nt help the cause either. I started to become knowledgeable on things like football, general knowledge etc. People started to believe im an intellectual, truth is that im and always was far from it. It might be due to the loneliness, or my moms illness, i started reading at a young age, or because i talked less, or quoted other people or ideas so often, that people misunderstood me, i was always a shallow and hollow person without any emotional attachments still people thought i was something, and has the potential to become something else than what i was. Anyways coming back to the point, i became a good friend to her, and helped her escape from the clutches of senior students who made her a target. I risked one of my friendship to save her, one thing which i later regretted.
I used to have my lunch from a canteen outside of the college, and when i returned back all my classmates were infront of the freshman block, and a freshman was arguing with my friend. I totally lost it and got him by his collar and thrashed him to a wall. By the grace of god, nothing more happened, and everyone around jumped on me inorder to stop me. Anyways, what i did not know was, the freshman was talking to the girl i befriended, and thats when my classmates picked on him. One thing lead to another, and the whole matter looked as if, i thrashed a junior for talking to my love interest... WHAT???
Sad part is even she was convinced, and this became a huge deal in college, and petitions and complaints reached the principal and dean, and was in the make of being a criminal case. I was called for hearing multiple times, thanks to one of my friend and a nun who thought i was a good person, all the things settled but it scarred me. Accusing of something that never crossed my mind, it was hard to swallow. I was hurt, bad thing is no one understood how much that hurted my pride, i became more estranged and relied more on alcohol and smokes. Things became dark for me, and i became deluded. Getting no support when you are weak is the worst thing anyone could go through. No one understood the real me, and i never relied on anyone. And there were a lot of smoke buddies and drink buddies, it was hard for people to imagine me in normal state, i was always intoxicated, and it took its toll on my studies. Ive never liked engineering in the first place, i was never a technical person, i was more interested in fields like philosophy, psychology, history, geography, economics, law etc, and wanted to take that bad, but it fell into the deaf ears of my parents...
2 years went by in the dark alleys,i never bothered to befriend anyone other than 6-7 friends i had in class. Life was simple, filled with smoke and booze, it was fun in its own ways. In between i got a bike, and it brought another side of me. I loved risks and speed. Even before i got license i was racing around, embracing 100+ speeds, i missed accidents by centimeters, but the adrenaline rush was awesome. Then it happened, my life altering experience... The one that changed my life, my perspective, my thinking, my future everything...
Life story of a man who is failing part 3
Chapter 3
The best time of my life.
I changed school once again, this time to one that was near to my home. I did not had any problems finding my school since i had good academic record now. For the first time, im not the under dog. The new school was a new start for me indeed. And for the first time in my life, I was in a mixed school. The class was evenly divided between boys and girls in terms of strength.
Still i was not able to talk with any girls. Not that i wanted to happen that desperately, i never tried to build any relationship. I was on my own world of football and other stuff. Ive made some real good friends there, i was one of the studious guys there. I never created any problem there, yet people knew i was not the one to mess with, things were always fun to me. Took up smoking and drinking, not because i want to prove anything or i needed them to satisfy myself, but it was purely because of fun. Those two years were easily the best time of my life. I scored real good marks so my parents were happy, my teachers were happy, my friends looked upto me as someone they wanted to be. I was a good football player, everytime they created team, i was the first one to be on the team, that kind of adoration, makes you a slave of your own success. Which i found out later. Two years passed by with everything good in them. After that i graduated from there, and it was time to move to college.
The best time of my life.
I changed school once again, this time to one that was near to my home. I did not had any problems finding my school since i had good academic record now. For the first time, im not the under dog. The new school was a new start for me indeed. And for the first time in my life, I was in a mixed school. The class was evenly divided between boys and girls in terms of strength.
Still i was not able to talk with any girls. Not that i wanted to happen that desperately, i never tried to build any relationship. I was on my own world of football and other stuff. Ive made some real good friends there, i was one of the studious guys there. I never created any problem there, yet people knew i was not the one to mess with, things were always fun to me. Took up smoking and drinking, not because i want to prove anything or i needed them to satisfy myself, but it was purely because of fun. Those two years were easily the best time of my life. I scored real good marks so my parents were happy, my teachers were happy, my friends looked upto me as someone they wanted to be. I was a good football player, everytime they created team, i was the first one to be on the team, that kind of adoration, makes you a slave of your own success. Which i found out later. Two years passed by with everything good in them. After that i graduated from there, and it was time to move to college.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Life story of a man who is failing part 2
Chapter 2
Formative years
I never had a lot of friends. To be honest, the only long term friend i had/have is one, says how 'rich' Im regarding friendships. Until 10, i was an ok kid and i was in a convent school run by very lovely nuns. I had decent headless friendships like any other kid who are under 10. I was neither the studious type, nor the dumb one, Im a perfect averager there. Ive had decent friends and was half decent health wise. My friends and teachers neither adored me nor hated me, which was fine for me. I escaped through my childhood pretty much unnoticed, which is one of the reason why i dont have any memory regarding my early childhood.
Then i was made to change school as my first school did not had higher classes. And that was the turning point in my life. I joined another school midway, and i found it hard to get friends there. My parents started to climb up their ladder, career wise, so they had little time to check on me, and me being an average student, they joined me to the highest demanding course academically, which is where i started to feel drained. That school was a nightmare. It was a boys school, and friendships between classmates were long set before i joined them, so i was always the odd one out. I was not the healthiest of the bunch and certainly not the good looking type, so they never tried to add me to their class. And i never felt really bad about it since i enjoyed my loneliness.
And the first major setback happened to me. My mom got sick, and that started to create problems in my family, Eventhough i was a loner, it started to affect me. I dint had anyone to talk about anything, before mom was the one who used to look me after, now i had no one to rely on and things started to become hard for me. During those times, i hated to eat, and with none to look after me, i started to skip meal to that extend that, i only ate once a day, which made my already weak stature worse. Kids in my school found easy target, but one thing im good at was to be invisible. Thanks to that skill, i never got bullied through out my life. I hated days as i dint had anything to do or anyone to talk. So i started thinking a lot, one thing lead to another, and i started reading books. The first book i got my hand on was mahabharatha just because there was a painting of a nude lady inside that book. Being curious i started to like it and instantly became an avid reader.
Next up was 1001 arabian nights, and no points for guessing why i chose that book, eventhough these books are fantasy, they began to lay some strong ideas and values in my mind. Together with reading, i started to think a lot, about everything. Those years summer vacations were the worst part in my life. Everyone around were in the age group of my elder brother, i was always the younger brother of their friend, so they never added me to their group. So i was always inside the house, just laying around or reading. Since i ate much less, i got anemia, my parents wondered what was wrong with me, even i did and it started to become worse.
Matters in school were even worser than my health. I started to fail on all subjects and found it hard to cope with the intense academic plans, it was a matter of time before the principal called my parents to my office. And that day was the worst days of my life until then. He said i had disorders, that im borderline autistic, and my lean unhealthy looks was promising to his theory. I was almost transferred to a special school, thanks to my mom and her illness, she fought hard for me, and i was changed to another academic plan, state syllabus, one thing i was able to cope. I knew i did not wanted to change school, eventhough i hated my current school. Eventhough i did not had any friends, nor none knew me there, i took it as my advantage as i could never live my loner life anywhere else. I joined the new class, which was a special english class. Every students there were too self centered, even worse, it was the only class in my year that had girls. So everyone where busy trying to impress them, again i was an easy target there to make fun of. The class was a bit over crowded and i nvr found a place to sit. I was made to shuttle from chairs to chairs as none wanted to sit with me. Then one day, the principal came to the class and said he need 5 brave volunteers to do the sacrifice for the class. As the class was crowded he need 5 people to volunteer to get transferred to another class and went on to preach how great it is to sacrifice for others. Without any hesitation i stood up, and the principal was happy to get a volunteer without much compulsion. He made the whole class applaud for me. My first applause. My first sacrifice. I was happy for unknown reason, guess my class mates were happy too to get rid of an outcast....
8th standard. Where my life started to change. Made some good friends there, still my academic struggles were a mess, but i learned to survive. I started to be active in sports, and to my surprise i was better at it! Slowly i started to gain friends since they started to recognize me as someone good in sports. Life started to change indeed.
Still everything else remained to be a mess. But i was least worried about it. For the first time in life, i got a best friend, and then another one. First time i started to talk to some person on regular basis. It was fun. Life was splendid, we spend most of the time together, those guys imparted me interests like music, football, movies etc. Before i was just a reader and lover of old movies, that came in the regional channel. Those 2 years were the best. Another major influence in my life was my history teacher. She is one of the brightest people ive ever met. She was the one who formed my character if you ask me. She made me interested in news, and i started to read newspaper because of her. Every bits and pieces of knowledge i have in my life, i owe it to her. Too bad, she wont even remember me, as i was her silent follower. I used my power of being invisible to the maximum, she never even noticed a disciple in me. I was happy that way
And i became strong academically :o...I just focused myself on studies, thanks to my friends, anyways, i became someone who used to be awful, but not anymore. And i passed out of that schools in a good way. And life for once seemed to be happy and everything was coming my way. Life was full of fun, football music and books.
Formative years
Then i was made to change school as my first school did not had higher classes. And that was the turning point in my life. I joined another school midway, and i found it hard to get friends there. My parents started to climb up their ladder, career wise, so they had little time to check on me, and me being an average student, they joined me to the highest demanding course academically, which is where i started to feel drained. That school was a nightmare. It was a boys school, and friendships between classmates were long set before i joined them, so i was always the odd one out. I was not the healthiest of the bunch and certainly not the good looking type, so they never tried to add me to their class. And i never felt really bad about it since i enjoyed my loneliness.
And the first major setback happened to me. My mom got sick, and that started to create problems in my family, Eventhough i was a loner, it started to affect me. I dint had anyone to talk about anything, before mom was the one who used to look me after, now i had no one to rely on and things started to become hard for me. During those times, i hated to eat, and with none to look after me, i started to skip meal to that extend that, i only ate once a day, which made my already weak stature worse. Kids in my school found easy target, but one thing im good at was to be invisible. Thanks to that skill, i never got bullied through out my life. I hated days as i dint had anything to do or anyone to talk. So i started thinking a lot, one thing lead to another, and i started reading books. The first book i got my hand on was mahabharatha just because there was a painting of a nude lady inside that book. Being curious i started to like it and instantly became an avid reader.
Next up was 1001 arabian nights, and no points for guessing why i chose that book, eventhough these books are fantasy, they began to lay some strong ideas and values in my mind. Together with reading, i started to think a lot, about everything. Those years summer vacations were the worst part in my life. Everyone around were in the age group of my elder brother, i was always the younger brother of their friend, so they never added me to their group. So i was always inside the house, just laying around or reading. Since i ate much less, i got anemia, my parents wondered what was wrong with me, even i did and it started to become worse.
Matters in school were even worser than my health. I started to fail on all subjects and found it hard to cope with the intense academic plans, it was a matter of time before the principal called my parents to my office. And that day was the worst days of my life until then. He said i had disorders, that im borderline autistic, and my lean unhealthy looks was promising to his theory. I was almost transferred to a special school, thanks to my mom and her illness, she fought hard for me, and i was changed to another academic plan, state syllabus, one thing i was able to cope. I knew i did not wanted to change school, eventhough i hated my current school. Eventhough i did not had any friends, nor none knew me there, i took it as my advantage as i could never live my loner life anywhere else. I joined the new class, which was a special english class. Every students there were too self centered, even worse, it was the only class in my year that had girls. So everyone where busy trying to impress them, again i was an easy target there to make fun of. The class was a bit over crowded and i nvr found a place to sit. I was made to shuttle from chairs to chairs as none wanted to sit with me. Then one day, the principal came to the class and said he need 5 brave volunteers to do the sacrifice for the class. As the class was crowded he need 5 people to volunteer to get transferred to another class and went on to preach how great it is to sacrifice for others. Without any hesitation i stood up, and the principal was happy to get a volunteer without much compulsion. He made the whole class applaud for me. My first applause. My first sacrifice. I was happy for unknown reason, guess my class mates were happy too to get rid of an outcast....
8th standard. Where my life started to change. Made some good friends there, still my academic struggles were a mess, but i learned to survive. I started to be active in sports, and to my surprise i was better at it! Slowly i started to gain friends since they started to recognize me as someone good in sports. Life started to change indeed.
Still everything else remained to be a mess. But i was least worried about it. For the first time in life, i got a best friend, and then another one. First time i started to talk to some person on regular basis. It was fun. Life was splendid, we spend most of the time together, those guys imparted me interests like music, football, movies etc. Before i was just a reader and lover of old movies, that came in the regional channel. Those 2 years were the best. Another major influence in my life was my history teacher. She is one of the brightest people ive ever met. She was the one who formed my character if you ask me. She made me interested in news, and i started to read newspaper because of her. Every bits and pieces of knowledge i have in my life, i owe it to her. Too bad, she wont even remember me, as i was her silent follower. I used my power of being invisible to the maximum, she never even noticed a disciple in me. I was happy that way
And i became strong academically :o...I just focused myself on studies, thanks to my friends, anyways, i became someone who used to be awful, but not anymore. And i passed out of that schools in a good way. And life for once seemed to be happy and everything was coming my way. Life was full of fun, football music and books.
Life story of a man, who is failing!
Chapter 1
The Very Moment of Pain
Im a nobody. I guess my life is not as special as the ones in other stories, guess that might make this interesting. Every story has got a build up, climax, fun, comedy, tragedy, romance etc well in this one the only mood that is constant is pain. So consider this as a treatment of life from an angle which everyone sees it from time to time.
I work as an IT professional, which is supposed to be coolest job, if you dont have it. Its modern slavery where everyone is trying to pile up pressure on a developer, which is me, to deliver something that is nearly impossible to do. Saddest part is the one who does all the job, again the developer, gets the least amount of profit out of it, so there is'nt much to be happy on that front. My office is a male-only office, not by rule but it is like that, with 9 hours working time or more. So my private life is virtually non existent, i see the same set of faces every day. I do the same set of routine everyday. I talk to the same set of people everyday, about the same subjects. I think every work is like that, but for me this one is the worst experience in my life, and you will know why, if you continue to read, or i continue to write!
Im single by choice, and choices are there to make us to force mistakes on our lives. The illusion of choice is the worst of all, at the time, it seems we took the right choice without taking any risks but in hindsight, the risk seems to be the best option that we had. Im used to take risks, but that are impulsive, on a situation of choice, guess i take the ones which appears to be the the best for all, which end up being total blunders of my life. Im virgin, again by choice, one thing i dont regret. Being a one woman man requires to have some quality, and in my barren life, i intend to possess a quality or two, and this being one of the easiest, i just chose to embrace it. I dont have a lot to offer to the right girl for me, so i always thought this might be one thing that i could gift to only one person which i really care.
Im currently in a lot of pain, one thing ive always been in life. To me life has been an array of set backs with some shining moments scattered here and there. Weird thing is i was dull through most of the shining moments i had, and only realized they were the best moments, after it has passed. Its easy for people to say enjoy the little things, carrying the burden and trying to enjoy the little things is the worst possible feeling one can ever have. Knowing that, the responsibility solely falls on one self is scaring. We never realizes it once we are very deep in trouble, the world is really set to impart the maximum pain for us, is'nt it? So this is me, sharing my story, so that if ever someone try to read this, will understand what not to do in their life inorder to be happy!!
The Very Moment of Pain
Im a nobody. I guess my life is not as special as the ones in other stories, guess that might make this interesting. Every story has got a build up, climax, fun, comedy, tragedy, romance etc well in this one the only mood that is constant is pain. So consider this as a treatment of life from an angle which everyone sees it from time to time.
I work as an IT professional, which is supposed to be coolest job, if you dont have it. Its modern slavery where everyone is trying to pile up pressure on a developer, which is me, to deliver something that is nearly impossible to do. Saddest part is the one who does all the job, again the developer, gets the least amount of profit out of it, so there is'nt much to be happy on that front. My office is a male-only office, not by rule but it is like that, with 9 hours working time or more. So my private life is virtually non existent, i see the same set of faces every day. I do the same set of routine everyday. I talk to the same set of people everyday, about the same subjects. I think every work is like that, but for me this one is the worst experience in my life, and you will know why, if you continue to read, or i continue to write!
Im single by choice, and choices are there to make us to force mistakes on our lives. The illusion of choice is the worst of all, at the time, it seems we took the right choice without taking any risks but in hindsight, the risk seems to be the best option that we had. Im used to take risks, but that are impulsive, on a situation of choice, guess i take the ones which appears to be the the best for all, which end up being total blunders of my life. Im virgin, again by choice, one thing i dont regret. Being a one woman man requires to have some quality, and in my barren life, i intend to possess a quality or two, and this being one of the easiest, i just chose to embrace it. I dont have a lot to offer to the right girl for me, so i always thought this might be one thing that i could gift to only one person which i really care.
Im currently in a lot of pain, one thing ive always been in life. To me life has been an array of set backs with some shining moments scattered here and there. Weird thing is i was dull through most of the shining moments i had, and only realized they were the best moments, after it has passed. Its easy for people to say enjoy the little things, carrying the burden and trying to enjoy the little things is the worst possible feeling one can ever have. Knowing that, the responsibility solely falls on one self is scaring. We never realizes it once we are very deep in trouble, the world is really set to impart the maximum pain for us, is'nt it? So this is me, sharing my story, so that if ever someone try to read this, will understand what not to do in their life inorder to be happy!!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Who am I?
Guess, its the right time to write, when you are really down on your emotions.
Who Am I?
Im the sum of all the mistakes that i have made in the past, am I?
Im the reflection of all the experiences ive had in my life am I?
Some says give a man power to test his character, i differ. With power, a man can do anything he want, so he could easily manipulate his image.
Some says all men react to hardship the same way, i differ, if that was the case, we would have been living in an egalitarian world, are we??
Which leads to my initial question, Who am I? Who are we?
They say we all are alone in the world, some says we are all together in that loneliness, but i dont find that a good enough answer.
Some says making peace with the inner self is all what matters. They say meditating to that level where you can be in touch with the inner power is the real essence of happiness, i differ. If that was the case, then why the world is so beautiful, and why beauty ever commence to exist??
I think we all are seekers, we all seek for love, care, comfort, needs, satisfaction. And it perfectly explains why we all are sad one way or another. Because no one gets everything they seeks for right?
Guess the whole question is wrong..Its not about who i am, its about how to be someone with love, care and comfort to a seeker like ourselves, and if everyone could do that to each other, world would have been a better place!
Who Am I?
Im the sum of all the mistakes that i have made in the past, am I?
Im the reflection of all the experiences ive had in my life am I?
Some says give a man power to test his character, i differ. With power, a man can do anything he want, so he could easily manipulate his image.
Some says all men react to hardship the same way, i differ, if that was the case, we would have been living in an egalitarian world, are we??
Which leads to my initial question, Who am I? Who are we?
They say we all are alone in the world, some says we are all together in that loneliness, but i dont find that a good enough answer.
Some says making peace with the inner self is all what matters. They say meditating to that level where you can be in touch with the inner power is the real essence of happiness, i differ. If that was the case, then why the world is so beautiful, and why beauty ever commence to exist??
I think we all are seekers, we all seek for love, care, comfort, needs, satisfaction. And it perfectly explains why we all are sad one way or another. Because no one gets everything they seeks for right?
Guess the whole question is wrong..Its not about who i am, its about how to be someone with love, care and comfort to a seeker like ourselves, and if everyone could do that to each other, world would have been a better place!
Wish
Wish we never met,
so that i would have never known the pain,
wish we never been together,
so that I would have never understood what true love is,
wish we never talked,
so that i would have never missed you,
Wish we never met,
so that i would have never broken your heart,
wish we never been together,
so that i would have never known your character,
wish we never talked,
so that i would have never known what care is,
Wish we never met,
so that i would have never cared for my future,
wish we never been together,
so that i would have never known the agony of seperation,
wish we never talked,
so that i would have never opened up like i did to you,
Wish we never met,
so that i could have had the simple life i had,
wish we never been together,
so that i could have been happier like a pig in the mud,
wish we never talked,
so that I could have started the whole experience with another girl
But its not the same, and all my wishes has been lost in the past!!
so that i would have never known the pain,
wish we never been together,
so that I would have never understood what true love is,
wish we never talked,
so that i would have never missed you,
Wish we never met,
so that i would have never broken your heart,
wish we never been together,
so that i would have never known your character,
wish we never talked,
so that i would have never known what care is,
Wish we never met,
so that i would have never cared for my future,
wish we never been together,
so that i would have never known the agony of seperation,
wish we never talked,
so that i would have never opened up like i did to you,
Wish we never met,
so that i could have had the simple life i had,
wish we never been together,
so that i could have been happier like a pig in the mud,
wish we never talked,
so that I could have started the whole experience with another girl
But its not the same, and all my wishes has been lost in the past!!
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