All my life I thought I was someone who could understand problems. People around me used me as a punch bag to vent their frustrations n get some relief and I liked that. Even I thought that's one of my gift and took credit for it. People felt safe with me, physically and emotionally, numerous times I've rescued my friends from tough situations. I've been to many fights in school as well as in college, but none for my cause. Every fights I've been to, every beating I took, were for my friends. And I've got no complaints regarding it. And my friends used me to solve problems and to seek some advice, and I took it as one of the few quality I possess in my otherwise insignificant life. Im never been hugged in my life, always wanted one but never got one. I always strived to be someone who I never had to rely on, in my childhood so that people around me never miss someone I missed throughout my childhood and early adulthood.
And then it occured to me. One of the most valuable person in my life, if not the most valuable, who I thinks knows me inside out, said to me indirectly that I'm immature n can't b relied on as a support. That fall was hard. Being stripped from an only quality one think he possess, I felt like like a naked leper , that was like a nail on my forehead driven mercilessly. But I'm grateful fr letting this known to me. Atleast I won't act as a fool who thinks he has the control of the situation. Atleast now I knw hw I impart myself on others as a person, have to confess, I thought I was slightly better than what I really am. I was afraid to stay true to my heart n emotions. I always feared of a backlash maybe that prevented me frm being expressive. The realization is a tough pill to swallow, but I know I'm at the rock bottom and things could only get better from this or stay the same way as it is now. But the emotion of falling from a self created, self imagined throne HURTS!!! My desire to be someone I always aspired to be, someone I never had, was blown away like dust in wind!!
I've heard some people in earth don't desrve happiness, take any scriptures like old testament bible, or the epics or Nordic stories, you will come across characters like these and I'm starting to believe that those kind do exist. Any form of happiness they get will be removed from them. Afterall everyone enters this world bare handed n leave the same way. Some end up being the fallen guess that's what destiny holds for some of us...
And then it occured to me. One of the most valuable person in my life, if not the most valuable, who I thinks knows me inside out, said to me indirectly that I'm immature n can't b relied on as a support. That fall was hard. Being stripped from an only quality one think he possess, I felt like like a naked leper , that was like a nail on my forehead driven mercilessly. But I'm grateful fr letting this known to me. Atleast I won't act as a fool who thinks he has the control of the situation. Atleast now I knw hw I impart myself on others as a person, have to confess, I thought I was slightly better than what I really am. I was afraid to stay true to my heart n emotions. I always feared of a backlash maybe that prevented me frm being expressive. The realization is a tough pill to swallow, but I know I'm at the rock bottom and things could only get better from this or stay the same way as it is now. But the emotion of falling from a self created, self imagined throne HURTS!!! My desire to be someone I always aspired to be, someone I never had, was blown away like dust in wind!!
I've heard some people in earth don't desrve happiness, take any scriptures like old testament bible, or the epics or Nordic stories, you will come across characters like these and I'm starting to believe that those kind do exist. Any form of happiness they get will be removed from them. Afterall everyone enters this world bare handed n leave the same way. Some end up being the fallen guess that's what destiny holds for some of us...
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