Chapter 5
And Life Changes
I was always inside my group of friends. I never spend much time inside class, I never had any good conversation outside my group of friends. Every breaks i spent time outside college, so there was never a chance for anyone to befriend me, unless they too spent every breaks outside college. Then in 2nd year labs started, which gave me some time to mingle with other classmates. Still i was the odd one out, and my place in the class, was the guy who just laughs at others jokes. Time went on, without any major changes, and finally my 3rd year started. Our third year class was isolated in a different block, which i liked. It was peaceful than it used to be, and then someone started to get into my attention a lot more than usual!
She was someone i used to see from day 1, but never laid my eyes on her. She was made fun of her workshop attire, by many of my friends, yet i never noticed her that much. We did not had many mutual friends at that point of time, one of my best friend is her best friend, still the topic of her never popped up to me. Sometimes people just get attracted to another like an iron to magnet. There was no interaction or nothing between us, still she popped up to my mind without any reason. And i ignored it feeling its just an infatuation. I did not even made an attempt to get a friendship with her, still dont know why, maybe i liked my life as a loner. But things became so enthralled in my mind that i had to do something about it for my peace. I had talked to her on a random subject before, if my memory serves right, it was about an old friend i had in my church, who was in her school, or i thought she was. I dont know why, but she was very welcoming in her approach to me, maybe her general character. It was during 3rd semester, and we had some chitchats during our 3rd semester study tour, where i fondly remember her saying i looked like an x-men character, NIGHTCRAWLER, which at that point i was unaware of. I had to see the whole X-men series to understand who i looked like, dint like it though! Anyways our interactions were minimal, like i had maintained with everyone else. But this time, I badly wanted to talk with her, but weirdly im not able to do so. For the first time in my life, i was aware of my image, i wanted to have a good image infront of somebody, maybe that screwed my confidence, anyways i was not able to talk to her at all, other than in the usual hi-bye situations.
And then came my birthday, and as usual, i was least aware of it. I even bunked college for some other reason, and like always, there was nothing special about that day and it passed on. Two days later, she called me on my phone and at that point i did not had anyones number. I was awestruck, about someone taking an effort to wish me my birthday, for someone who has never had a birthday present in his entire life, that wish was the best gift I ever had. Thing began to complicate in my mind, but i wanted to keep everything simple as i could. I just ignored what my mind was saying, i was not the type of guy who goes after girls, talking never been my strong point in my life, even guys had a hard time talking to me, so i was certain, evenif i tried to talk with her, she would drift far apart from me. Then came the IV, and the interactions between us were even more. But from outside, no one suspected, as my improved interactions were still below par for anyone to suspect my liking for her. Except for one. My best friend! He knew how i deal girls in my life, and he noticed my effort to interact with her, and he asked me blatantly what i was trying to achieve. I was not prepared to answer him, even i have'nt thought about it, i was like a leaf in a stream without any aim, that question made me think. I wanted to get her attention, a thing ive never experienced until then, i was never an 'attention hogger'. I saw myself changing inorder to get an opportunity to talk with her, those feelings comes only once in a life time, i was excited as well as scared, as in my mind i knew it was all set for my heart break in the end. But that does'nt prevent me from living those moments in my mind. Everything got interesting at that point. I was leading a life like a black and white frame, suddenly color was poured into my frame, and that feeling is indescribable. For once i started to feel the essence of life. The raised heart beat when i see her, my attention to scan for her on every visual that goes through my eyes, it truly is an amazing feeling.
This feeling started to make me uncomfortable, as until that point, i never shared anything about this to anyone. And people around me never expected me to jump into these situations, i felt alive, i can feel my pounding heart, I can feel the dissatisfaction when i cant get her attention, i felt like Im real. Yet i did not make any moves, but my friend sensed my mind already and asked me to call her once in a while. He said i dont know anything about her, and she might be totally different to what i know, so atleast i need to take a step at any direction than being stuck here. But i was not able to regroup myself to call her. And i used my phone like walkie talkie, and never talked to anyone over 2-3 minutes. Finally i called her, she was a chatter, I was not able to follow most of the things she told me, yet i enjoyed the phone conversations, which where like 3-4 minutes. I still remember how she comes up with a topic and i blindly rejected that saying i already knew about it, my friend almost killed me for not letting her talk. And then she went to an inter collegiate competition which she won, along with my other class mates, she came back and talked to me about it. I never used to bring food from home, and that day she shared her food with me, and it was something like sandwich. I always admire people who shares their food from home to me, my mom was always ill or way too busy with her work, so home food were always the repetition of same dishes, which are obviously minimal. That food sharing move was totally new to me, as i never asks for favor to anyone, i did not asked her, she did not force me, but i got that sandwich in my hand, and i still remember how it tasted! My imaginations were running endless, still i did not had the courage to make any move. But my friends started to eat my head.
There is this weird gang of people in my class, who always made fun of others relationships. Obviously i fell as a prey for them, since both me and her never gave anyone a chance to make fun of. I dont know how they treated her, but i was tormented by them, to such point that i wanted to hit them bad, but my friends prevented me from doing so. Anyways time was moving forward, and i was growing desperate, and i wanted to let it go one way or another. I tried myself to create a gap between her and me, to see whether i can live without the idea of her, i almost cut myself off from talking to her, for more than 2 weeks, i suffered, i suffered bad, which convinced me to act on the matter. My friends too advised me to let her know what i felt about her, i was in two minds. My friends battled with me to convince me to talk from my heart, a thing i was never used to, and i really felt weak in my knees to do so. Some part of me already knew, she will reject me on the spot, but i became an optimist for the first time in my life. Our class had a community in orkut, and there was some thread running regarding love. I accidentally, indirectly confessed that Im in love, i dont remember the exact situation, but it was obvious that i was in love. Word reached her too, and i dont know she suspected anything, but she called me and asked who it was. That was a great opportunity to profess my love, still i was afraid and said its someone she knew, and she took it as a challenge to find her and i gave her a weeks time to do so. Finally that week ended, i thought she will call me to ask me who she was, but that never happened. My friends pushed me one final time to talk to her, I still remember it was a wednesday, april 23 2008. After class she was walking down the stairs infront of me, and she was with her friends. I was with one of my friend. I over took her, got to the corridor first, waited for her, she came, i said i need to talk to her, my friend who was with me, dint knew i had a thing for her, he was clueless. I became really nervous, ive been through a lot, but this was the first time ever, especially to tell someone about how i feel. I asked her, if she had found who im in love with, she said no, i said its her, and she said she could never see me like that, while she was walking to her bus.
I turned and walked, and i went to bike stand, got my bike, went straight to the shop in front of college, and bought a cigarrette. My friend who was with me, was more in shock than i was, as he did not had any idea what just happened there, I was in a mixed feeling. I already knew it would be a rejection, some part of me was at peace, since i now know, she knows how i see her, i now know, i have a response with me, maybe i thought i could get closure. Its always easier to forget something that we can never get, certainly better than obsessing on something that seems to be in our reach. Anyways, our mutual friend called me and said, she will never take me up, and i should never disturb her. She herself called me and echoed similar thoughts, i was in bed, i was weeping like a kid, the only occasion that ive cried on phone, she told me she could never see me like that, and i should never pursue on that topic anymore as she still sees me as a friend. I could never change my perspective on a person, maybe there are people, who could fall in love, and then move on, im not configured like that, and i said the same to her, she just cut me off then and there and asked to promise never to bother her again. I only promise when Im certain, and abstaining myself is one thing im good at, so i promised her that i will never bother her, and will never try from my side to interact with her and its a promise that i kept forever !!!
And Life Changes
I was always inside my group of friends. I never spend much time inside class, I never had any good conversation outside my group of friends. Every breaks i spent time outside college, so there was never a chance for anyone to befriend me, unless they too spent every breaks outside college. Then in 2nd year labs started, which gave me some time to mingle with other classmates. Still i was the odd one out, and my place in the class, was the guy who just laughs at others jokes. Time went on, without any major changes, and finally my 3rd year started. Our third year class was isolated in a different block, which i liked. It was peaceful than it used to be, and then someone started to get into my attention a lot more than usual!
She was someone i used to see from day 1, but never laid my eyes on her. She was made fun of her workshop attire, by many of my friends, yet i never noticed her that much. We did not had many mutual friends at that point of time, one of my best friend is her best friend, still the topic of her never popped up to me. Sometimes people just get attracted to another like an iron to magnet. There was no interaction or nothing between us, still she popped up to my mind without any reason. And i ignored it feeling its just an infatuation. I did not even made an attempt to get a friendship with her, still dont know why, maybe i liked my life as a loner. But things became so enthralled in my mind that i had to do something about it for my peace. I had talked to her on a random subject before, if my memory serves right, it was about an old friend i had in my church, who was in her school, or i thought she was. I dont know why, but she was very welcoming in her approach to me, maybe her general character. It was during 3rd semester, and we had some chitchats during our 3rd semester study tour, where i fondly remember her saying i looked like an x-men character, NIGHTCRAWLER, which at that point i was unaware of. I had to see the whole X-men series to understand who i looked like, dint like it though! Anyways our interactions were minimal, like i had maintained with everyone else. But this time, I badly wanted to talk with her, but weirdly im not able to do so. For the first time in my life, i was aware of my image, i wanted to have a good image infront of somebody, maybe that screwed my confidence, anyways i was not able to talk to her at all, other than in the usual hi-bye situations.
And then came my birthday, and as usual, i was least aware of it. I even bunked college for some other reason, and like always, there was nothing special about that day and it passed on. Two days later, she called me on my phone and at that point i did not had anyones number. I was awestruck, about someone taking an effort to wish me my birthday, for someone who has never had a birthday present in his entire life, that wish was the best gift I ever had. Thing began to complicate in my mind, but i wanted to keep everything simple as i could. I just ignored what my mind was saying, i was not the type of guy who goes after girls, talking never been my strong point in my life, even guys had a hard time talking to me, so i was certain, evenif i tried to talk with her, she would drift far apart from me. Then came the IV, and the interactions between us were even more. But from outside, no one suspected, as my improved interactions were still below par for anyone to suspect my liking for her. Except for one. My best friend! He knew how i deal girls in my life, and he noticed my effort to interact with her, and he asked me blatantly what i was trying to achieve. I was not prepared to answer him, even i have'nt thought about it, i was like a leaf in a stream without any aim, that question made me think. I wanted to get her attention, a thing ive never experienced until then, i was never an 'attention hogger'. I saw myself changing inorder to get an opportunity to talk with her, those feelings comes only once in a life time, i was excited as well as scared, as in my mind i knew it was all set for my heart break in the end. But that does'nt prevent me from living those moments in my mind. Everything got interesting at that point. I was leading a life like a black and white frame, suddenly color was poured into my frame, and that feeling is indescribable. For once i started to feel the essence of life. The raised heart beat when i see her, my attention to scan for her on every visual that goes through my eyes, it truly is an amazing feeling.
This feeling started to make me uncomfortable, as until that point, i never shared anything about this to anyone. And people around me never expected me to jump into these situations, i felt alive, i can feel my pounding heart, I can feel the dissatisfaction when i cant get her attention, i felt like Im real. Yet i did not make any moves, but my friend sensed my mind already and asked me to call her once in a while. He said i dont know anything about her, and she might be totally different to what i know, so atleast i need to take a step at any direction than being stuck here. But i was not able to regroup myself to call her. And i used my phone like walkie talkie, and never talked to anyone over 2-3 minutes. Finally i called her, she was a chatter, I was not able to follow most of the things she told me, yet i enjoyed the phone conversations, which where like 3-4 minutes. I still remember how she comes up with a topic and i blindly rejected that saying i already knew about it, my friend almost killed me for not letting her talk. And then she went to an inter collegiate competition which she won, along with my other class mates, she came back and talked to me about it. I never used to bring food from home, and that day she shared her food with me, and it was something like sandwich. I always admire people who shares their food from home to me, my mom was always ill or way too busy with her work, so home food were always the repetition of same dishes, which are obviously minimal. That food sharing move was totally new to me, as i never asks for favor to anyone, i did not asked her, she did not force me, but i got that sandwich in my hand, and i still remember how it tasted! My imaginations were running endless, still i did not had the courage to make any move. But my friends started to eat my head.
There is this weird gang of people in my class, who always made fun of others relationships. Obviously i fell as a prey for them, since both me and her never gave anyone a chance to make fun of. I dont know how they treated her, but i was tormented by them, to such point that i wanted to hit them bad, but my friends prevented me from doing so. Anyways time was moving forward, and i was growing desperate, and i wanted to let it go one way or another. I tried myself to create a gap between her and me, to see whether i can live without the idea of her, i almost cut myself off from talking to her, for more than 2 weeks, i suffered, i suffered bad, which convinced me to act on the matter. My friends too advised me to let her know what i felt about her, i was in two minds. My friends battled with me to convince me to talk from my heart, a thing i was never used to, and i really felt weak in my knees to do so. Some part of me already knew, she will reject me on the spot, but i became an optimist for the first time in my life. Our class had a community in orkut, and there was some thread running regarding love. I accidentally, indirectly confessed that Im in love, i dont remember the exact situation, but it was obvious that i was in love. Word reached her too, and i dont know she suspected anything, but she called me and asked who it was. That was a great opportunity to profess my love, still i was afraid and said its someone she knew, and she took it as a challenge to find her and i gave her a weeks time to do so. Finally that week ended, i thought she will call me to ask me who she was, but that never happened. My friends pushed me one final time to talk to her, I still remember it was a wednesday, april 23 2008. After class she was walking down the stairs infront of me, and she was with her friends. I was with one of my friend. I over took her, got to the corridor first, waited for her, she came, i said i need to talk to her, my friend who was with me, dint knew i had a thing for her, he was clueless. I became really nervous, ive been through a lot, but this was the first time ever, especially to tell someone about how i feel. I asked her, if she had found who im in love with, she said no, i said its her, and she said she could never see me like that, while she was walking to her bus.
I turned and walked, and i went to bike stand, got my bike, went straight to the shop in front of college, and bought a cigarrette. My friend who was with me, was more in shock than i was, as he did not had any idea what just happened there, I was in a mixed feeling. I already knew it would be a rejection, some part of me was at peace, since i now know, she knows how i see her, i now know, i have a response with me, maybe i thought i could get closure. Its always easier to forget something that we can never get, certainly better than obsessing on something that seems to be in our reach. Anyways, our mutual friend called me and said, she will never take me up, and i should never disturb her. She herself called me and echoed similar thoughts, i was in bed, i was weeping like a kid, the only occasion that ive cried on phone, she told me she could never see me like that, and i should never pursue on that topic anymore as she still sees me as a friend. I could never change my perspective on a person, maybe there are people, who could fall in love, and then move on, im not configured like that, and i said the same to her, she just cut me off then and there and asked to promise never to bother her again. I only promise when Im certain, and abstaining myself is one thing im good at, so i promised her that i will never bother her, and will never try from my side to interact with her and its a promise that i kept forever !!!
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