Life story of a man who is failing part 6

Chapter 6
Living through the void

And I was in a familiar place once again. I was not that heart broken to be honest as some part of me knew this would end up like this. But everything was less interesting. Especially to see her everyday, eventhough trying to forget her, was a hard and sadistic task. Somehow I successfully avoided her. I don't know from where I got that courage or determination, guess the thought of her being happier without me gave me the will power to cut myself out.

Things were not at all easier at all. My friends knew I was hurt beyond consolation, so they never talked to me about her or tried to made fun of me, regarding this. I became more aimless than before, if that was possible. Reality became a pseudo state for me. And I became more introvert. People who did not knew me, treated me as the one who tried his luck on the only girl who tried to befriend me, and that tag was really hard to bear. I knew I was made fun of, in my absence, but I did not care about it at all, as long as they never did it on my presence.

I took special care never to share the same space or time with her, as I was so adamant on keeping my promise. That came with a loss though. She was a very active member in my class so she was there in the front line of every program n event of my last two years of college life. And I missed every single events, like inter college fest, our farewell, demo day, last day, everything you name it, I missed it. I'm not sad about that at all as I was never in the right mood to enjoy them. But it alienated me, estranged me even from my friends. If anything like void is there in ones life, those one n half years was it for me. No emotions, no memory, nothing.

One thing i fondly remember happened in between. One day before exams, my friend asked me to come to college as he wanted to collect hall tickets earlier. For some reason I had my car with me, and went to college on my car. Surprisingly only four of us came to the college, and one of that four was her. I never knew that would happen, i was not sure if he created that opportunity on purpose or not but i became really uneasy, and i still think it was the same for her. After all the formalities in college, she needed some company to return to her home, and asked my friend to accompany her. And he told me that and i felt betrayed at that point. I came to college, solely for him, and now he is ditching me, i felt betrayed and questioned my friendship. She too was close to him i guess, maybe more closer than myself to him, anyways, he pitched in an idea that he will come with me, if she agrees to get into my car. I thought that would never happen, maybe she was scared to travel alone, maybe she was in tough situation or maybe my adherence to my promise, i dont know she decided to come with me, but told to him that she will step out of the car the moment my friend steps out of the car. I was fine with that, totally anyways, i drove the car with maximum care, i was confused and uncomfortable at that time, that i let him and her go infront of his home, if that occured now, i would have drove to her home first, and would drop him later, that idea never went through my mind then. Anyways that was a sweet memory in the void, but that had its toll too. I had to go to another place that day on my bike, and it was raining lightly. And only thing that was running through my mind was this. And i was so absent minded that i hit a car on one of the busiest roads of my city. The bike drifted away from me and i landed flat on the road and a bus breaked just infront of me, a few inches more, that would have been the last memory of my life. Thankfully that was the last accident Ive ever had *touch wood*. Nothing more happened on that topic and frankly i did not expected it, as it was her helplessness that created the whole situation!

But it would be not be entirely true if i claim i never tried to grab her attention. I always did one thing to get her attention. That was to time myself to be on time with her bus. I never appeared in front of her. Almost everyday i overtook her bus, hoping she would lay her gaze on me. I never knew she saw me, or never even cared to look or wait to see me. But i hoped she would see me, a thing i will never know. I became more aggressive rider, inorder to meet her bus, my friends became really scared of getting on a vehicle with me, i dont fault them. And then came the last days of college. I dont know why, but she gave me her autograph book and asked me to write something on it. I dont know what i wrote, i dont have any idea as i was trying my best to forget anything i captured from college, but if it happened now, i would have written the lyrics for 'tears in heaven' by eric clapton. I also gave her a CD, which had an mp3 playlist, like said before, i still dont know what all songs i gave it to her, i can imagine some of the songs, but not the order. Anyways i never bothered to have an autograph book for myself as i never wanted any memory from college.  And for the last day of college, there were a lot of get together like programs planned by my friends. I wanted to avoid it at any cost, so i asked everyone of my friends to accompany me to booze somewhere else, just to keep myself away from the whole thing, everyone declined me but two. And that was one of the kindest gesture Ive ever received until that point of my life. They were ready to ditch their last day of college to be with me, and we went to this bar. That was the last day of my college, and we got drunk like there was no tomorrow. When everyone were busy creating memories and photographs to treasure for their life, we three were there, drinking to forget everything!

And college ended, everyone drifted apart from each other. Everyone who i used to see on daily basis, who i considered to be my best friends, became someone who i used to know. That is life right? Outgrowing ourselves from one level to another. The most treasured people or things will accompany us, or we will fight for them to bring them to the next phase, guess it was my fault too, that they left me, or i left them. Those days i became more active on messenger, since it was the only gateway for me to talk with the people i knew. My parents let me take a sabbatical from career/life as they knew i was really messed up. When everyone were busy to make a career or job, i was recouping myself and i'm really grateful for them for letting me a time off. Those 2 years made me, defined my character than 16 years of education.

I was in touch with some girls who were classmates via messenger, they, to my surprise, knew how affected i was, and they tried to console me, always. They said she would never consider me like that, and a guy like me could never get a good girl like her. Their talk made sense to me all the time, but i was never ready to move on for some reason i did not know. It never made sense to me or my friends, since nothing serious happened between us, still i was crazily committed, may be I got issues. Even her best friend, who befriended me, later confronted me on this topic and told me square on my face that, she will never even consider me. Still i brushed it all away, not hoping that she would come back, I was sure that she would never come back, still I never grew out of it.

And i was free all the time. Laziness crept to me, I was in my sorrow pants still, after two years, so I decided to fulfill something that i always wanted. I started taking guitar lessons under a tutor. One of my mentor. He was a character, my tutor, he was a man of strong principles, money never seduced him, he could have easily made a living out of his guitar skills, but he chose to teach guitars to others. He was proficient in almost every form of guitar, yet he chose classical guitar and stuck with it, a decision that took a huge toll for him, career and monetary wise. He was a purist, a romantic, and i got influenced by his character. The passion he got to guitar was pure and unchanging, something i could relate to. More that guitar his character won me and i started to take guitar seriously. And one of those days the unthinkable happened to me!!!

Quote 27-4-2013

I Know Your Life Can Go On Without Me,
That You Can Be Happy Without Me,
That You Can Survive Without Me,
But Even If You Turn Me Away,
I Will Still Choose To Stay With You,
Be Your Sweetest Stranger Forever..

-Unknown

Life story of a man who is failing part 5

Chapter 5
And Life Changes

I was always inside my group of friends. I never spend much time inside class, I never had any good conversation outside my group of friends. Every breaks i spent time outside college, so there was never a chance for anyone to befriend me, unless they too spent every breaks outside college. Then in 2nd year labs started, which gave me some time to mingle with other classmates. Still i was the odd one out, and my place in the class, was the guy who just laughs at others jokes. Time went on, without any major changes, and finally my 3rd year started. Our third year class was isolated in a different block, which i liked. It was peaceful than it used to be, and then someone started to get into my attention a lot more than usual!

She was someone i used to see from day 1, but never laid my eyes on her. She was made fun of her workshop attire, by many of my friends, yet i never noticed her that much. We did not had many mutual friends at that point of time, one of my best friend is her best friend, still the topic of her never popped up to me. Sometimes people just get attracted to another like an iron to magnet. There was no interaction or nothing between us, still she popped up to my mind without any reason. And i ignored it feeling its just an infatuation. I did not even made an attempt to get a friendship with her, still dont know why, maybe i liked my life as a loner. But things became so enthralled in my mind that i had to do something about it for my peace. I had talked to her on a random subject before, if my memory serves right, it was about an old friend i had in my church, who was in her school, or i thought she was. I dont know why, but she was very welcoming in her approach to me, maybe her general character. It was during 3rd semester, and we had some chitchats during our 3rd semester study tour, where i fondly remember her saying i looked like an x-men character, NIGHTCRAWLER, which at that point i was unaware of. I had to see the whole X-men series to understand who i looked like, dint like it though! Anyways our interactions were minimal, like i had maintained with everyone else. But this time, I badly wanted to talk with her, but weirdly im not able to do so. For the first time in my life, i was aware of my image, i wanted to have a good image infront of somebody, maybe that screwed my confidence, anyways i was not able to talk to her at all, other than in the usual hi-bye situations.

And then came my birthday, and as usual, i was least aware of it. I even bunked college for some other reason, and like always, there was nothing special about that day and it passed on. Two days later, she called me on my phone and at that point i did not had anyones number. I was awestruck, about someone taking an effort to wish me my birthday, for someone who has never had a birthday present in his entire life, that wish was the best gift I ever had. Thing began to complicate in my mind, but i wanted to keep everything simple as i could. I just ignored what my mind was saying, i was not the type of guy who goes after girls, talking never been my strong point in my life, even guys had a hard time talking to me, so i was certain, evenif i tried to talk with her, she would drift far apart from me. Then came the IV, and the interactions between us were even more. But from outside, no one suspected, as my improved interactions were still below par for anyone to suspect my liking for her. Except for one. My best friend! He knew how i deal girls in my life, and he noticed my effort to interact with her, and he asked me blatantly what i was trying to achieve. I was not prepared to answer him, even i have'nt thought about it, i was like a leaf in a stream without any aim, that question made me think. I wanted to get her attention, a thing ive never experienced until then, i was never an 'attention hogger'. I saw myself changing inorder to get an opportunity to talk with her, those feelings comes only once in a life time, i was excited as well as scared, as in my mind i knew it was all set for my heart break in the end. But that does'nt prevent me from living those moments in my mind. Everything got interesting at that point. I was leading a life like a black and white frame, suddenly color was poured into my frame, and that feeling is indescribable. For once i started to feel the essence of life. The raised heart beat when i see her, my attention to scan for her on every visual that goes through my eyes, it truly is an amazing feeling.

This feeling started to make me uncomfortable, as until that point, i never shared anything about this to anyone. And people around me never expected me to jump into these situations, i felt alive, i can feel my pounding heart, I can feel the dissatisfaction when i cant get her attention, i felt like Im real. Yet i did not make any moves, but my friend sensed my mind already and asked me to call her once in a while. He said i dont know anything about her, and she might be totally different to what i know, so atleast i need to take a step at any direction than being stuck here. But i was not able to regroup myself to call her. And i used my phone like walkie talkie, and never talked to anyone over 2-3 minutes. Finally i called her, she was a chatter, I was not able to follow most of the things she told me, yet i enjoyed the phone conversations, which where like 3-4 minutes. I still remember how she comes up with a topic and i blindly rejected that saying i already knew about it, my friend almost killed me for not letting her talk. And then she went to an inter collegiate competition which she won, along with my other class mates, she came back and talked to me about it. I never used to bring food from home, and that day she shared her food with me, and it was something like sandwich. I always admire people who shares their food from home to me, my mom was always ill or way too busy with her work, so home food were always the repetition of same dishes, which are obviously minimal. That food sharing move was totally new to me, as i never asks for favor to anyone, i did not asked her, she did not force me, but i got that sandwich in my hand, and i still remember how it tasted! My imaginations were running endless, still i did not had the courage to make any move. But my friends started to eat my head.

There is this weird gang of people in my class, who always made fun of others relationships. Obviously i fell as a prey for them, since both me and her never gave anyone a chance to make fun of. I dont know how they treated her, but i was tormented by them, to such point that i wanted to hit them bad, but my friends prevented me from doing so. Anyways time was moving forward, and i was growing desperate, and i wanted to let it go one way or another. I tried myself to create a gap between her and me, to see whether i can live without the idea of her, i almost cut myself off from talking to her, for more than 2 weeks, i suffered, i suffered bad, which convinced me to act on the matter. My friends too advised me to let her know what i felt about her, i was in two minds. My friends battled with me to convince me to talk from my heart, a thing i was never used to, and i really felt weak in my knees to do so. Some part of me already knew, she will reject me on the spot, but i became an optimist for the first time in my life. Our class had a community in orkut, and there was some thread running regarding love. I accidentally, indirectly confessed that Im in love, i dont remember the exact situation, but it was obvious that i was in love. Word reached her too, and i dont know she suspected anything, but she called me and asked who it was. That was a great opportunity to profess my love, still i was afraid and said its someone she knew, and she took it as a challenge to find her and i gave her a weeks time to do so. Finally that week ended, i thought she will call me to ask me who she was, but that never happened. My friends pushed me one final time to talk to her, I still remember it was a wednesday, april 23 2008. After class she was walking down the stairs infront of me, and she was with her friends. I was with one of my friend. I over took her, got to the corridor first, waited for her, she came, i said i need to talk to her, my friend who was with me, dint knew i had a thing for her, he was clueless. I became really nervous, ive been through a lot, but this was the first time ever, especially to tell someone about how i feel. I asked her, if she had found who im in love with, she said no, i said its her, and she said she could never see me like that, while she was walking to her bus.

I turned and walked, and i went to bike stand, got my bike, went straight to the shop in front of college, and bought a cigarrette. My friend who was with me, was more in shock than i was, as he did not had any idea what just happened there, I was in a mixed feeling. I already knew it would be a rejection, some part of me was at peace, since i now know, she knows how i see her, i now know, i have a response with me, maybe i thought i could get closure. Its always easier to forget something that we can never get, certainly better than obsessing on something that seems to be in our reach. Anyways, our mutual friend called me and said, she will never take me up, and i should never disturb her. She herself called me and echoed similar thoughts, i was in bed, i was weeping like a kid, the only occasion that ive cried on phone, she told me she could never see me like that, and i should never pursue on that topic anymore as she still sees me as a friend. I could never change my perspective on a person, maybe there are people, who could fall in love, and then move on, im not configured like that, and i said the same to her, she just cut me off then and there and asked to promise never to bother her again. I only promise when Im certain, and abstaining myself is one thing im good at, so i promised her that i will never bother her, and will never try from my side to interact with her and its a promise that i kept forever !!!