Chapter 7
Life is Unpredictable
I dont know or remember how exactly this started, but one day she came online on my messenger and started talking to me. I was awestruck than anything else, as i did not expect this to happen even in my wildest dreams. I was scared as i did not want to mess it up at all. She started talking about trivial things. I dont know how but she knew i started taking guitar lessons. Our conversations were limited to surface. I was just the reply guy for the time being as I was just enjoying the company, just respecting the time she was spending with me, for me, talking to me. Everything started to feel in place, every song started to sound interesting, life was once again colorful.
The feeling is inexpressible. Everything was in slow motion. She was talking to me about everything she has to. She talked about her family, how she was the pet of her family, how she hates to be the only child, how much her grand parents cared her, how she was used as a counselor aka punch bag during her school days. About how much her friends meant to her, about how deep her friendships were, about how deep her religious faiths are, about how much she likes to spend her time with the less fortunate, everything i knew i began to adore her more, if that was possible. It seemed the attention she got from her grand parents, her friends were into great detail, that i envied her. She was spoiled in a good sense, she had this innate urge to please everybody around her, even if it caused her sorrow. She was so committed and dedicated to people around her that she would do anything to make them happy, a thing i disliked. She could never comprehend that life is hers to build, yet she left everything beyond her immediate control to the supreme power. We started to fight on that matter like 5 year olds, normally these kind of ignorance insults me, but no matter how deep we fight, it never made any change on my love and respect for her. That was a first thing to me, i was so used in giving up things, to prove a point, if someone meddles with me, i just ignore them, and certainly my affection for them lessened in my mind, I knew it was a bad trait in me, but i could not help that. But with her, i never lost a bit of respect to her, despite her being on a totally different level of belief system to me, maybe its the opposite that attracts.
I was silently admiring her innocence and character, not because i was not expressive but i was afraid to show that side of me to her. From what I have understood of her, she was really mature, not the bubbly type, she already had a long chain of family, friends, cousins and other support system laid firmly on her, i was afraid to be myself around her, as my over protectiveness could make her feel im immature! Till then, the only person i really love unconditionally was my mom. Despite all her faults, all her drawbacks, i love my mom, and i used to hug her and kiss her on her cheeks, all the time, although i never get any hugs or kisses in return. Maybe its her illness that makes her insecure, but that never stopped me and she always used to complain that the girl that would end up with me will suffer due to my physical nature as I value the sense of touch a lot. I had that in my mind so i kinda kept a distance from her, only not to drive her away with my antics. We started chatting on daily basis, that too for hours, our conversation became an integral part of my life, and i guess it was the same for her too.
In the mean time, my grandfather got sick. He was the least favorite person to me as he was very mechanical. He was a disciplinarian, to him the only entertainment was news. He was always working, being a farmer/planter, he was always looking after his crops. The only time he is at home is to eat food or sleep. He never spoke to me more than one or two sentences, each time we met, frankly there were no topics to talk with him. He was very rude and was a robot, who never showed any feelings or emotions. But my grandmother was totally opposite to him, who died earlier. We all adored her, she was a total sweet heart. Although she belonged to the 1920's generation, she was very knowledgeable, happy and very much into music. I could never understand how she accepted a numb man like him as her husband, maybe society were that male dominant during their time. Despite all these she was very dedicated to him. All world were afraid of my grandfather. No one never messed with him. He was not the biggest person you will see, but he was strong hearted. The sense of security you feel when you are around him is great even when he was 84 years old. He feared nothing, if he had a reason to do something, he will neglect any danger that is involved. And i respected that. Anyways my grandfather got sick and died after exactly 30 days. And me being jobless, i was always with him taking care of him. He had a stroke, so he was not able to talk, even his sons and daughters were not that sad of him being in that state, which explains what kind of a rough character he was. Anyways he died, and i was there from the start to finish for his funeral. We always saw him writing something in his diary everyday when he was alive. So first thing we did after his death was to search for that diary. And that diary totally changed our perspective of him. He has written down everything that has happened to him . From his engagement date to my grandmother to the birth of every single one of his grandchild, he was very passionate in his heart but he never knew how to express. He had this sense of humor, but he never joked around. We all realized how much he cared for us, but never understood him or cared for him. He was always a stranger to us, something i could relate to, and I realized Im him who is walking 70 years late than him. And maybe Im following the same footsteps as he did !!
Then we had a set of exams, she was very concentrated on it, and i had this huge urge to tell her what i feel. It was killing me, being friend zoned by her, thats the worst a guy in love could bear. Ive seen people who falls in love, and later break up and still be friends, I could never change my view on a person like that. Anyways i did not had any option as i did not wanted to disturb her during exams. I decided to tell her about my feelings after the exams. Even after the exams, i did not get a chance to tell her. She used to tease me about her possible future marriage, she knew that irritates me, I always tell her never to invite me to her marriage for obvious reasons, she used to tell i would be her 'made of honor' as in the hollywood movie. She always told me, her life is like the last poem in '10 things I hate about you' hollywood movie, i was too dumb to understand what she meant. She was dropping hints, like talking about her feline instincts, maybe i was too cautious not to hurt her, but i never understood what she intended. She drew this great picture of a kid who has his grandfathers hand on his head, which was obviously related to me, yet i did not understand. One thing lead to another, and she confessed she has feelings for me. I dont remember the exact date or day or time or even the month this occurred as i was totally swept away from my senses. It just occurred like an organic process, but she took the initiative and pain to make the move, it was bold. I always wanted to tell her, maybe its fortune or God, i dont know, but i was in the exact place i wanted to be. The feeling was splendid.
To be in love is great. To be in love with someone who you wanted really bad is even better. To be loved back by someone who you wanted really bad is the crowning glory of love. I was living through that moment. Everything were like in a beautiful movie. Like a poem, you just fall deep and deep into love. There were occasional fights, but that never lessened even the tiniest bit of love I had for her. Still i was not able to express myself completely true to her. I was like pirate with the treasure, all i wanted is to guard the treasure at any cost. I remember, she won a flower arrangement contest, which consequently deepened and strengthened our relationship, our relationship was becoming more and more real to me. Days went by, months passed, we talked about a lot of things around us, we talked about everything, we fought about every small differences we had, yet it was wonderful. And never i felt she was wrong, she was that sweet an innocent, I could never afford to lose her.
When you love someone more than you love yourself, everything you see, slowly changes to their perspective. When you love someone more than yourself, you start to worry for them, more than you worry for yourself. I was losing my mind to hers, i started to look at me, through her eyes and that took a huge toll in my life...
